In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Monday
- The dream semifinal is set in Australia, as both Roger Federer and Rafa Nadal won their quarterfinal matches. Nadal holds a 7-2 lead in Grand Slam matches, but Federer has promised that he's going to break out his sickest cream-colored outfit yet to just priss the hell out of Nadal. "I'm gonna priss him 'til he blushes," Federer vowed. "Just delicately flip my hair, prance around like a schoolboy, and get my priss on something severe. Ya heard?"
- A source indicated that the Big East will add Navy to the football lineup in 2015. The move was reportedly made to give the conference the option to be buried at sea when it dies from sucking.
- Tiger Woods admitted that his decision to start his season in the United Arab Emirates instead of California was "influenced" by a significant appearance fee. "But also," he said, "I just f*$%ing love oil and sand."
- Tom Brady told reporters that he's ready for a "great rematch" with the Giants, though it became clear that he was talking about their regular-season bout (won 24-20 by the Giants) rather than Super Bowl XLII. This is just like that time Hitler said he was looking forward to a rematch with the U.S. before World War II, but it turned out he was referring to the 1937 chess championship and not World War I. I'm not comparing Brady to Hitler, mind you, but facts are facts. Also, Eli Manning tracks down former Nazis in the offseason.
- After interviewing with the Bucs, Chip Kelly turned down the Tampa Bay head coaching position, saying his heart was in Oregon and he had "unfinished business" there. "I've only lost to two of the possible 12 SEC teams," Kelly said. "And Vanderbilt is my white whale."
- Tim Duncan scored 28 points as the Hornets fell to 1-9 at home in a 104-102 Spurs win. Afterward, while writing in his notebook, he asked reporters if anyone knew a good rhyme for "fiscal solvency." "Are you writing a rap?" a reporter asked. "Oh, sure," Duncan replied, "if you consider a sonnet a rap. Maybe we should ask Shakespeare." Then he giggled to himself for like 20 minutes, because his dog is named Shakespeare.
- No. 4 Syracuse rebounded from its first loss of the season, winning 60-53 on the road against Cincinnati. Scoop Jardine scored 10 points in the final 10 minutes to lead the Orange, and to increase his own record for most points scored by a children's cartoon character.
- Defending Australian Open champion Kim Clijsters knocked off the no. 1 player in the world, Caroline Wozniacki, to reach the Aussie semifinals. The 54-year-old Clijsters could be seen smoking a cigarette in a bathrobe outside her motel after the match, pumping a barbell and shouting about chicken wings. I don't even know what I'm talking about.
- Chicago White Sox general manager Kenny Williams, the father of 49ers punt returner Kyle Williams, said his son received death threats after his two costly fumbles against the Giants. "A chip off the old block!" he said proudly, as four White Sox fans from the South Side threw bricks at his window.