- Cliff Lee pitched eight scoreless innings and helped his own cause with a home run in a 2-1 Phillies win over the Dodgers. "Against most teams, this would be an impressive feat," said Phillies manager Charlie Manuel. "But against the Dodgers, it feels kinda sadistic."
- Patriots receiver Chad Ochocinco told reporters he will live with a fan for the first "two, three weeks" of the season. He said the fan would only need an Internet connection, an Xbox, and a tolerance for being stared at while he sleeps.
- Dan Uggla's improbable hit streak now stands at 30 games after the Braves beat the Marlins 4-3 in extra innings. For the second straight game, Uggla's only hit was an infield single. Tuesday also marked the first time Joe DiMaggio rolled over in his grave, an act he intends to repeat until Uggla is working the checkout at a shitty Wal-Mart where he belongs. DID YOU HEAR THAT DAN UGGLA? WHERE YOU BELONG.
- A 14-inning marathon between the Tigers and Indians ended when Kosuke Fukudome was hit in the arm with the bases loaded, giving Cleveland a 3-2 win. Word on the street is that Fukudome is very excited to have all sorts of white people come up to him saying, "DOMO ARIGATO MR. ROBOTO," because that is the only Japanese that they know and it is moderately applicable.
- According to his publicist, Ron Artest will visit Great Britain later this month to talk with the Cheshire Jets about playing for them during the NBA lockout. During the trip, Artest will speak with team officials, tour Buckingham Palace, and go absolutely f*$#ing nuts in the London riots.
- The NFL will now administer drug tests to its players on game days. The random tests will be conducted the morning before kickoff, after which they'll be shipped to a special laboratory in Sweden and processed in 10 to 12 weeks. When they're sent back to America, NFL officials will review the results, convene a special exploratory committee, and decided if any action should be taken or if they should just let this one slide.
- Mariano Rivera took his second straight loss, allowing two runs in the ninth as the Yankees fell to the Angels, 6-4. Personally, I'm not surprised. That guy was never any good.
- The NCAA may allow individual conferences to award longer and bigger scholarships to its players. When asked whether a free education wasn't enough, officials pointed out that education is for nerds, not important athletes.
- In a battle for the NL Central, Casey McGehee's 10th-inning double lifted the Brewers over the Cardinals, 5-3. Milwaukee now leads the division by four games, an impressive feat for a team without a single pitcher on its roster.
- The Web Gem award goes to J.J. Putz, who finished off an 11-9 Diamondbacks win with this diving play against the Astros. "Now who's a Putz?" the reliever screamed, alarming his teammates. He later kicked a locker and started crying.
Shane Ryan is a staff writer for Grantland. Follow him on Twitter at @TobaccoRdBlues.
Previously from Ryan:
The Flaws in Excellence: Can Robinson Cano Change His Free-Swinging Nature?
The Worst Weekend in Baseball History: An Irrational, Reactionary Yankees Fan Sounds Off
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