In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Monday.
- Juan Pablo Montoya crashed into a truck carrying 200 gallons of jet kerosene at the Daytona 500 yesterday, causing a fiery explosion and sending the race into red flag conditions. Montoya walked away unscathed, and Matt Kenseth eventually won the race in the early morning hours on Tuesday. This is the seventh jet-fuel explosion Montoya has set off in the past three months, to the point that NASCAR officials are sort of wondering whether this is his "new thing." "If it is," said NASCAR president Mike Helton, "we'll take it over his 'old thing,' which was painting pictures of me in lewd pornographic scenarios on the side of his car."
- Terry Francona called the Red Sox ban on beer in the locker room a "PR move," and said it could end up backfiring. "If you furnish a little bit, it almost keeps it to a minimum," he said. "Same philosophy with the prostitutes. God help us if we start banning them."
- In other Red Sox news, 39-year-old catcher Jason Varitek will announce his retirement on Thursday in Fort Myers. "No beer, no Varitek," he said in a brief announcement. "I mean, what's next, banning prostitutes? God help us."
- A tentative plan has been announced by the Kings, the NBA, and the city of Sacramento for a new $387 million arena that will allow the team to stay. "Don't worry, guys, we're still the treasure of the city," said the curator of the California Soup Museum, Sacramento's only other attraction, in a pep talk to employees.
- Seniors Jason Clark and Henry Sims combined for 25 points, 12 rebounds, and six assists as no. 12 Georgetown beat no. 18 Notre Dame 59-41. Pope Benedict XVI was held to just four points on 2-9 shooting for the Irish, though he did place a curse on Hoya coach John Thompson III that turned him into a deformed rabbit.
- The Los Angeles Angels said they have no further plans to use the nickname "El Hombre" for Albert Pujols. The marketing plan, which featured the nickname on several billboards, offended Pujols because of the comparison with one of his heroes, former Cardinal Stan "The Man" Musial. Going forward, the Angels will utilize Pujols' new nickname, "Dizzy Dean."
- Phillies slugger Ryan Howard is in Baltimore to have his surgically repaired Achilles tendon examined. "Looks fine," said Orioles manager Buck Showalter, wearing a giant novelty stethoscope and a fake mustache while the real doctor was tied up in a closet. "You're good to go full-speed tomorrow."
- Columbus Blue Jackets GM Scott Howson revealed the surprising news that star winger Rick Nash asked to be traded in January. I'd try to dig deeper into this story, but that sentence has too many proper nouns that I've never seen before, and I'm frightened.
- NFL sources say the St. Louis Rams have decided to trade the no. 2 pick in this year's draft. When he heard the news, Patriots coach Bill Belichick was the first to call, offering them St. Louis' Poplar Street Bridge, all the water they could collect from the Mississippi River, permanent rights to the nickname "Conquistadors," a room full of something called "woven silk cotton," and Randy Moss.