In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Wednesday.
- Tim Tebow is officially a New York Jet. The Broncos traded their former quarterback to New York, along with a seventh-round pick, for two earlier picks in this April's draft. As longtime readers of this post will know, Tim Tebow and Rex Ryan are prominent figures in the About Last Night canon. The fact that they're now teamed up is just insane news for me, and I've decided to commemorate it with a spiritual sonnet called "The Glutton Tempts the Son."
- Saints head coach Sean Payton has been suspended for one year by the NFL for his role in a bounty pool run by former coordinator Gregg Williams. "Oh, so you respond to one bounty by issuing another?" asked Payton. "Reallllll mature, guys. Reallll mature." The NFL tried to tell him that a suspension wasn't like a bounty at all, but Payton kept repeating "reallllll mature" over and over.
- Williams was suspended indefinitely for his part in the bounty pool, and though he'll be eligible for reinstatement after the 2012 season, he's lost his job with the Rams. Head coach Jeff Fisher supported Williams, but called the suspension warranted. "I don't want to say anything wrong and have the NFL put a bounty on me," he said. "A suspension is not the same as a fucking bounty!" the NFL yelled in exasperation, but just then Sean Payton popped in and was like, "reallll mature."
- UNC point guard Kendall Marshall removed the cast from his right wrist yesterday following Monday's surgery, but it's still unclear if he'll be able to play on Friday. If he does play, Roy Williams has a great plan to have him wear a mask of his own face on the back of his head so nobody will ever know which way he's facing and therefore won't be able to target the injured hand.
- Sources reported that VCU head coach Shaka Smart turned down an offer from Illinois to become the school's next basketball coach. In response, Illinois has grudgingly expanded its search to include coaches with the last name "Stupid" or "Desperate."
- Lakers center Andrew Bynum admitted that he lost his cool in the third quarter of a loss to the Rockets Tuesday, but said his ejection from the game wasn't warranted. Meanwhile, the Lakers topped the Mavericks 109-93 behind Kobe Bryant's 30 points. And still, STILL, these Hollywood bigwigs won't commission my idea for a Lakers soap opera, even though I've agreed to play the part of Pau Gasol myself to save money.
- The Derek Fisher trade saga is over, as the former Lakers guard signed with the Oklahoma City Thunder on the night that Kevin Durant scored 32 points to lead the Thunder over the Clippers 114-91. Again, what a great potential episode of the Lakers soap opera, right? This stuff is gold! I will play Pau Gasol myself, guys, I'm trying to tell you.
- As of 12:09 a.m. on Thursday night, the St. Louis Blues and the Anaheim Mighty Ducks were tied at 3 with 8:36 left in the third period.
- Robert Griffin III finally showed off his arm for NFL personnel, throwing 51 scripted passes and generally impressing those in attendance. Sources reported that he was way better than Andrew Luck, whose lame, predictable passes were scripted by Adam Sandler.
The Glutton Tempts the Son
The Son has heard the Jet's seductive roar
The Glutton licks the bone and sips the wine
Of Jersey fair the Son recalls the shore
But not the Glutton's castle made of swine
"Come here my friend, it's past the chocolate oak!"
Cries the Glutton, reaching out his hand.
The Son resists — a frown — "is this a joke?
"God's heaven is the only charm'd land!"
"Philistine," the Glutton stops to mutter,
"Profane ye not my palaces of cheer.
Breaded streets proceed to lakes of butter:
Adipose Rex, I'm called, and we are here!"
"Such wonders!" cries the Son, "unhand thy fork.
It truly is a castle made of pork!"
—March 22, 2012