In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports over the weekend.
- The Final Four is set. Louisville mounted a late comeback against Florida, Kansas pounded North Carolina in the closing minutes, Kentucky creamed Baylor, and Ohio State outlasted Syracuse. In related news, Rick Pitino's romantic life regularly involves three of those verbs, in sequence, but literally never the fourth.
- Tiger Woods earned his first PGA Tour victory since the infamous 2009 sex scandal with a 2-under 70 on the final day of the Arnold Palmer Invitational. "Two under 70? That's pretty tame by my standards!" Woods joked, before adding, "Still too soon?" And then Rick Pitino burst through the door and shouted, "There's no such thing as too soon!" before adding, "Inappropriate?"
- Kevin Durant finished with
2228 points, nine rebounds, and eight assists as the Thunder beat the Heat 103-87 in a potential NBA Finals preview. The game's stakes were not lost on LeBron James, who spent the fourth quarter insisting to teammates that he had spilled water on the front of his shorts, and wasn't that nervous.
- Kobe Bryant admitted he was unhappy about being benched in the fourth quarter of a 102-96 Lakers loss to the Grizzlies. "Any time you're on the bench," he said, "you're that much closer to the awful, soul-destroying odor of Josh McRoberts. It is absolutely obscene, and the vinegar baths are clearly not helping. I mean, does the guy bathe in shit? Does he? I don't get it. I will never understand how a prosperous human being could smell like that."
- In the first quadruple-overtime NBA game since 1997, the Atlanta Hawks beat the Utah Jazz 139-133. Afterward, Hawks executives issued an apology to fans, and promised to reimburse anyone who could prove that they stayed for the full game.
- According to sources, Sean Payton will attend the NFL owners meetings this week despite his impending one-year suspension. "Remember," said Payton, "it's only a one-year suspension from the Saints." He then winked, and Roger Goodell was like, "Come on, man, you know that's not true," but Payton was already gone, sing-songing the word "Ti-tans" over and over.
- Jets owner Woody Johnson told reporters that acquiring Tim Tebow was a "football move," and not one based on the quarterback's popularity with fans. "With the sheer amount of Tebow jerseys we sell, we can make a ton of money, release him after a year, and buy someone awesome like Eli Manning," said Johnson. "Ergo, a football move."
- In a rain-shortened race, Tony Stewart earned his second victory of the NASCAR season at Auto Club Speedway in California. Midway through the race, in a sad turn of events, Kyle Busch's beloved no. 18 Toyota took a flat tire on lap 87 and had to be shot in the gas tank behind a scrim on the infield.
- Three days after dislocating his right ankle by bouncing on a trampoline, Yankees reliever Joba Chamberlain was released from the hospital with no timetable for a potential return. "The doctors said it could be six months before I'm trampolining at 100 percent again," said Chamberlain, who looked really depressed.
Readers' Revenge, with your best animal encounter stories, is coming later today in The Triangle!