In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Monday.
- Tim Tebow was introduced to the New York media on Monday and told them that there is no quarterback controversy between Mark Sanchez and him. "Just like there's no Jesus controversy between Jesus and Mark Sanchez," he said, winking. "But seriously, I do forgive him."
- Saints coach Sean Payton and GM Mickey Loomis will meet with Bill Parcells to gauge his interest in coaching the team on an interim basis while Payton is serving a one-year suspension. "Also, and we know this is a total long shot," Loomis told reporters, "but we were hoping that maybe Belichick would be his defensive coordinator again."
- The Knicks beat the Bucks 89-80, but were missing Amar'e Stoudemire, who is out indefinitely with a bulging disk in his lower back. Point guard Jeremy Lin also missed the game with a sore right knee. Carmelo Anthony insisted that he wasn't behind either injury, but that if either player were to miss significant time with arsenic poisoning, well, sometimes life happens.
- Brittney Griner had 23 points, 15 boards, and nine blocks as the no. 1 seed Baylor Bears improved to 38-0 on the year and advanced to the Final Four with a 77-58 win over Tennessee. Griner was also ejected from the game with under a minute left when she and several teammates left the bench during an altercation on the floor. CATFIGHT! AM I RIGHT, FELLAS?!?!?! WOOOO!!! (I am so lonely and sad.)
- Frank Martin, the angriest man in college basketball, is leaving Kansas State to become the head coach at South Carolina. Which is great, because if there's one thing the last state to fly the Confederate flag at the State House needs, it's another angry dude in a position of power. In related news, the South Carolina tourist bureau is now offering $50 in fireworks gift certificates to anyone who enters the state, even if it's by accident.
- El Salvador scored a goal deep into extra time to tie the U.S. 3-3 and knock the Americans out of qualifying for the 2012 Olympic Games. In the postgame locker room, hushed tones prevailed as the team met with the media. "Coach, I know this is tough to talk about right now," a reporter said to U.S. manager Caleb Porter. "But what do you think about the whole Tebow thing?"
- Nick Saban received a raise and contract extension from Alabama worth $5.62 million per year and running through 2020. "We're so excited to have Coach Saban around for 15 more years!" said Alabama fans, in a statement that can loosely be described as "written."
- Andy Roddick picked up just his third victory in 24 attempts against Roger Federer, winning in three sets in the third round at the Sony Ericsson Open in Miami. The American fans in attendance were thrilled with the result, but their joy disappeared roughly six seconds after Roddick opened his mouth, at which point everyone was like, "Oh yeah ... he's Andy Roddick."
- Joba Chamberlain plans to meet with reporters Tuesday to "set the record straight" on his trampoline injury, and to make it clear that there was never significant blood loss and his life wasn't in danger. Unfortunately, it's only 50-50 that Chamberlain will be able to stop the horrendous trampoline-induced bleeding in time for the press conference.