In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Wednesday.
- In the first major league baseball game of the regular season on American soil, Kyle Lohse pitched six no-hit innings and lasted into the eighth as the St. Louis Cardinals beat the Miami Marlins 4-1. It was the first regular-season game in the new Marlins Park with the new Miami name, and it led to this conversation:
California Angels: Crappy feeling, huh?
Florida Marlins: Shut up! This Miami thing is a passing fad.
Los Angeles Angels: [Bitter and possibly drunk] Don't worry. They'll lose them just like you did.
Fort Lauderdale Future Marlins: You really think so?
Anaheim Angels: [Holding a sixer] What's up, bitches?
- LeBron James scored 34 points, grabbed seven boards, and dished out 10 assists as the Miami Heat beat the Oklahoma City Thunder 98-93. Afterward, James said he was motivated by the fact that Kevin Durant was making nasty Delonte West jokes before the game. "What are you talking about?" Durant asked. James then turned angrily to Dwyane Wade, who was edging his way toward the door. "Funny story," said Wade. "I may have exaggerated that one a bit."
- Andrew Bynum scored 36 points and Kobe Bryant added 31 in a 113-108 Lakers win over the Clippers. Bynum was at risk of missing the game due to an ankle sprain, but Bryant motivated him by whispering nasty Andrew Bynum jokes in his ear before the game.
- The NFL released its preseason schedule Wednesday, and the slate of 65 games is highlighted by a Giants-Jets matchup in Week 2. And if the New York rivalry weren't compelling enough, it will also be everyone's first chance to see Te-Rex, the Tebow–Rex Ryan combined entity described by sources as an "eating, praying, annoying fat machine that also can't throw."
- Torii Hunter was confronted by two gun-wielding policemen in his own home after he accidentally tripped the alarm in his security system. Initial reports indicated that there were three policemen on the scene, but it's become clear that the third man was retired Jazz center Olden Polynice wearing a stolen Halloween cop costume.
- Ohio State's Jared Sullinger will forgo his final two season of eligibility and enter the NBA draft. "Now that Harrison Barnes is going pro," he said, "there won't be any competition for most obnoxious player at the college level. There's nothing left for me to do here. It's time to take on Kevin Garnett."
- Kentucky coach John Calipari said he is not interested in coaching the New York Knicks or any other team in the NBA. "But especially not the Knicks," he clarified. "Whether I coach a different team in the NBA largely depends on whether that team is the Knicks. Also, I just successfully recruited Jeremy Lin and Carmelo Anthony. Classic me, so hooray for Calipari. Everyone say it. Everyone say it." Reporters looked around at one another, saw no signs of courage, and grudgingly said, "Hooray for Calipari," in unison.
- Max Browne, one of the top high school quarterback recruits in the country, announced that he will attend USC over Oklahoma. "I'm sure it was normal and all," said Browne, "but I thought it was weird how Bob Stoops kept asking me to come hang out in his 'fun wagon.'"
- UFC fighter Alistair Overeem failed a drug test and may not be eligible for his May 26 fight with Junior dos Santos. I don't care to look it up, but based on his foppish name I'm guessing the drugs were fennel and St. John's wort that he ingested during a tea session with the Earl of Yorkshire. Am I right, America?
Speaking of America, several polls have indicated that Readers' Revenge is now the hottest feature in the country. Every week, we ask readers to send in their best stories on a new topic. You can read more at that link, and this week's topic is Worst Job Interview. Were you the interviewer? Interviewee? Heard the story second-hand? Send in your best to firstname.lastname@example.org, and you may be featured in Monday's top 10. Once that happens, you'll never have to work again.