In case Yu were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Monday.
- In his major league debut, Japanese phenom Yu Darvish overcame some early nerves to reach the sixth inning and help the Rangers secure an 11-5 win over the Mariners. Despite the victory, it was an unpleasant experiences for fans in Arlington, who upon hearing the name "Yu!" would turn and say, "Me?" "No, Yu," the person would respond, and the other guy would be like, "That's what I'm asking, me?" "No, I'm talking about Yu!" the first guy said, until a third guy was like, "SON OF A BITCH, HE MEANS YU DARVISH THE PITCHER! I HATE ABBOTT AND COSTELLO AND WORDPLAY SO MUCH!" And that's when the guns came out.
- Second baseman Ian Kinsler said he and the Rangers have agreed to a five-year, $75 million contract. "That's $75 million for Yu," the Rangers contract negotiator said, pushing the paper forward. Kinsler eyed him suspiciously as he signed. "For me, right?" The negotiator made a head motion that was almost like a nod. "All for Yu," he said, as he grabbed the signed contract. "Wait ... did I just sign over $75 million of my own money to Yu Darvish?" asked a panicked Kinsler. "Don't be Darvish-culous," said the negotiator as he sprinted out the door.
- The NFL denied the Saints' suspension appeals, upholding the penalties on head coach Sean Payton and GM Mickey Loomis. When the decision came down, Payton dramatically dropped a red challenge flag he brought with him. "That doesn't work here," commissioner Roger Goodell gently explained, at which point Payton angrily threw off the disconnected headset he'd been wearing since lunch.
- The Baylor men's and women's basketball programs are facing possible NCAA sanctions for more than 1,200 impermissible phone calls and texts. The incident apparently stems from 2006, when Scott Drew mistook Brittney Griner's cell number for a phone sex hotline 1,200 times.
- Derek Jeter went 4-4 as the Yankees notched their first win of the season, and Ryan Sweeney led a ninth-inning rally to help give the Red Sox a first win of their own. So rest easy, America; your two favorite teams are back! (Music: "America the Beautiful." Background: Waving flag. Foreground: Abraham Lincoln holding a bald eagle, both crying a single tear of joy. Also, the bald eagle is wearing a tiny, adorable Yankees cap.)
- In a potential NBA playoff preview, the Grizzlies beat the Clippers 94-85 behind Marc Gasol's 18 points, tightening the race for first-round home-court advantage. The Clippers were actually leading by 20 in the fourth quarter when Blake Griffin became frozen in what doctors called "dunk-stare mode" and couldn't be removed from the court.
- A "Save Bobby Petrino" rally on the Arkansas campus drew 200 people in support of the coach who admitted to an inappropriate relationship with a 25-year-old employee of the football program after he crashed his motorcycle with her aboard. "Look, I'll admit, the 25-year-old girl part is kinda gross," said one speaker. "But there isn't one man here who hasn't been caught at night with an overturned hog!"
- Lakers forward Metta World Peace, upon hearing that former teammate Lamar Odom had been deactivated by the Mavericks, suggested that Odom should become a ball boy for the Lakers, join the Boy Scouts to earn a Skittles merit badge, or hike the biggest mountain in the world. (Searching for a joke that's weirder or more funny than what Metta World Peace already said ... searching ... searching ... searching ... *drops smoke bomb and runs out a side exit.*)