In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Wednesday.
- The NCAA accepted Baylor's self-imposed penalties for impermissible phone calls and text messages sent to recruits, and put the program on three years' probation. "If they think I need a phone to keep in touch with recruits, they're nuts," said men's coach Scott Drew, who then phoned his secretary demanding two Dixie cups and 100 million feet of string.
- An Associated Press review of Bobby Petrino's business phone records revealed that he texted Jessica Dorrell 4,300 times over the past seven months in a relationship that resulted in Petrino's dismissal from Arkansas after the two were involved in a motorcycle accident. The texts did include photo and video content, but Dorrell would neither confirm nor deny that Petrino sent her pictures of Brett Favre's penis.
- Nerlens Noel, the top high school basketball recruit in the country, chose Kentucky on ESPNU's National Signing Day Special. Nerlens Noel is not to be confused with Nerlens Plumlee, a.k.a. "The Drooling Giant," who chose Duke by drooling all over a Blue Devils logo on Indiana cable access television.
- The Mariners scored three runs off Joe Nathan in the ninth, capped off by John Jaso's game-winning single, to steal a 4-3 comeback win over the Rangers. After the game, Nathan was despondent. "When he doesn't make an out," he said, "the people always shout: There goes John Jaso's single liner hit, LA DA DA DA DA DA DA."
- Nick Swisher bashed a two-run homer in the 10th to give the Yankees their second straight extra-innings win over the Orioles. Meanwhile, nobody has acted on my idea of an all-female fan section called "Swisher's Sweets" at Yankee Stadium. Seriously, girls, please don't make me start this group. It's going to be really humiliating, but the idea is so good that I'll do it if necessary. I've even bought the clothes just in case. Someone please take the lead here. And good God, why do these fishnet stockings feel so right?
- Andrew Bynum pulled down 30 rebounds — the first time that feat has been accomplished in two years in the NBA — as the Lakers beat the Spurs 98-84. It was also the first time in league history that a player intentionally missed 30 layups in the last 10 seconds of the game while everybody else was shaking hands, though Greg Ostertag once pulled a similar move when he blocked five of his own shots in a tense NBA Finals game.
- Ozzie Guillen spoke to his team for 10 minutes before serving a five-game suspension for pro-Fidel Castro comments made last week, and the team responded with support for their manager. They also responded with a 7-1 loss to the Phillies, but that was mainly because Roy Halladay, in the words of Marlins third baseman Hanley Ramirez, "was acting like a real JFK."
- Dwyane Wade joined a growing cast of players who believes that NBA players participating in the Olympics should be paid. "You are being paid," said 2004 team member Stephon Marbury. "I haven't found a pawn shop yet that wouldn't give me a few bucks for some of the bronze I chipped off the medal."
- Speaking at a celebration in his home country, Pele said that Brazil's Neymar is a better player than Messi. But if he's so great, why haven't I heard of him? Or Pele? And why has everyone started spelling messy with an 'i'? Damn these Euro Brazilians and their tricky spelling! God bless America.
And God bless Readers' Revenge. Last week's installment dealt with our readers' worst interview experiences. This week, we're asking for your WORST/MOST SHAMEFUL LIE. Further details are available by clicking on the link, but the gist is that if you send your best story (or your friend/family/enemy's best story) to firstname.lastname@example.org, you may end up on Monday's top-10 list. And that's about as good as it gets.