In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports over the weekend.
- Sources report that the NFL Players Association had the tapes of Gregg Williams's violent bounty speech before they became public. Instead of outing him publicly for targeting players, though, the NFLPA used the audio to make two sick techno tracks: "Kill the Head and the Body Will Die," and "A Mind Troubled by Doubt." Both tracks are scheduled to be released by NFL Films in mid-August on the album Bounty Sheriff.
- LeBron James scored 29 points and grabbed 10 boards as the Heat beat the Knicks 93-85 to clinch the Southeast Division title. As he conducted his postgame interviews, James stood in front of a "Mission Accomplished" banner that he'd bought months ago in preparation for the milestone win.
- Red Sox manager Bobby Valentine questioned Kevin Youkilis's physical and emotional commitment to the game in a televised interview Sunday. Meanwhile, red-hot David Ortiz hit a go-ahead double for his seventh straight hit as the Sox topped the Rays 6-4. Reporters attempted to find Youkilis for a comment after the game, but he spent two hours in the hot tub playing a game he calls "bobbing for doughnuts."
- Ivan Nova won his 14th straight regular-season decision as the Yanks beat the Angels 11-5 Sunday, and Tim Tebow was roundly booed by Yankee fans when they showed him on the video board. Tebow smiled and waved as the boos rained down, seemingly unaffected, but professional lip readers confirmed that he was saying, "You're all a bunch of godless northern bastards" over and over as he smiled.
- Starting today, the U.S. government will begin its second attempt to prosecute Roger Clemens for allegedly using PEDs and then lying about it before a congressional committee. "This time," prosecutors said, they plan to say in their opening arguments before the jury, "we're not going to show or even mention the committee hearing video that was barred. We're talking about the one where Andy Pettitte's wife tells congressman Elijah Cummings that Roger admitted he was using HGH to Andy. Because that is inadmissible evidence, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, and last time it led to a mistrial. Really embarrassing. Annnyyyhooo ... "
- Andrew Bynum had 23 points and 16 boards, and Pau Gasol nailed back-to-back 3s in overtime, as the Lakers beat the Mavericks 112-108 without Kobe Bryant. The Lakers star sat out with inflammation of his left shin, and told reporters that in the third and fourth quarter of previous games, he'd had trouble walking. "It's easy," said every other NBA player, when they heard of Kobe's problem. "Just take five steps before you shoot."
- Cole Hamels struck out 10 over seven innings as the Phillies routed the Mets 8-2. After the game, Hamels didn't respond to a text where I asked him if he agreed that his name would be cooler as "Hole Camels." Or maybe "Whole Camels." But probably just "Hole Camels." Sometimes it's better not to complicate these things.
- In first-round NHL playoff action, Nashville took a 2-1 lead on Detroit, Philly took a 3-0 lead on Pittsburgh, Florida tied up its series with New Jersey 1-1, and L.A. took a 3-0 lead on Vancouver. The Philadelphia game was particularly noteworthy — for the first time in NHL history, the Zamboni scored a goal. (Okay, that didn't happen. But I'm trying here, gang. It's hockey, and I'm really trying.)
- On a day when the Bulls beat the Pistons 100-94 in overtime, Derrick Rose said he is "sick and tired" of other players taking cheap shots at him. "Sometimes I feel like I'm the character Alex Smith," he told reporters. "The dude from that dope techno track 'A Mind Troubled by Doubt.'"