True story: A friend of mine once posted a Missed Connections ad for her pants, but this might be better. (OK. Not really. But on the Craigslist scale of shame and depression, it's pretty high.)

Via Craigslist:

"The defensive skills of the Pittsburgh Penguins have been missing since Wednesday, April 11th, at about 8:00pm. If you have seen the defense or have any idea of where it could be located, please give a head's up to the team IMMEDIATELY."