True story: A friend of mine once posted a Missed Connections ad for her pants, but this might be better. (OK. Not really. But on the Craigslist scale of shame and depression, it's pretty high.)
"The defensive skills of the Pittsburgh Penguins have been missing since Wednesday, April 11th, at about 8:00pm. If you have seen the defense or have any idea of where it could be located, please give a head's up to the team IMMEDIATELY."