In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports over the weekend.
- The Los Angeles Clippers stunned the Memphis Grizzlies at home, winning Game 7 82-72 for the franchise's third playoff-series victory in 41 years. After the game, Chris Paul surveyed the catatonic Memphis crowd. "Are they actually stunned?" he asked. "Or do they just always look that way?"
- Manchester City won its first English Premiership title since 1968 with a miracle rally, scoring two goals in extra time to defeat QPR 3-2 and win the league due to the accumulated goal differential over the course of the season, despite finishing equal on points with Manchester United and — HEY, WAKE UP! WAKE UP, YOU LAZY AMERICAN! THIS IS IMPORTANT! WE'LL GET TO MORE BASKETBALL IN A SECOND, I PROMISE. Sergio Aguero, an Argentine national, scored the decisive goal on a volley from the box, sending
Emirates StadiumEtihad Stadium into a frenzied PAY ATTENTION! WHY ARE YOU TAKING YOUR SHOES OFF IN YOUR CUBICLE?! ARE YOU — OH GOD YOU'RE GOING TO CLIP YOUR TOENAILS IN FRONT OF ME, AREN'T YOU?
- Pau Gasol scored 23 points and Andrew Bynum added 18 rebounds as the Lakers eliminated the Nuggets in Game 7, 96-87. "Yeah, ugly and homeless were really great," said Kobe Bryant, using the nicknames he gave the two in lieu of learning their real names.
- Metta World Peace told reporters that he won't shake James Harden's hand before Game 1 of the Lakers' upcoming series against the Oklahoma City Thunder. He wouldn't say it out loud, but it's evident that World Peace is still bitter about the incident three weeks ago when Harden viciously head-butted his elbow after a dunk.
- Kevin Garnett hit for 29 points and Rajon Rondo notched a triple-double in a 92-91 Celtics win over the 76ers in Game 1 of the Eastern Conference semis. "Yeah, a-hole and alien were really great," said Kevin Garnett, who apparently refers to himself in the third person as "a-hole."
- In the other Eastern Conference semifinal series, LeBron James scored 32 points and grabbed 15 boards as the Heat took Game 1 from the Pacers 95-86. "Great day," said James. "We got a win, I got my MVP trophy, and I found out that Leandro Barbosa isn't a pirate. That's been terrifying me for years now. I mean, that name, right? Not a pirate, though. Huge relief." James stared off into the distance for a full minute before lowering his voice to a whisper. "I don't do well with pirates."
- Giancarlo Stanton hit a walk-off grand slam Sunday as the Marlins won their series with the Mets and earned their 10th victory in 12 games. "We're playing with the spirit of fierce resilience first shown by Fidel Castro, surviving with his small band of rebels in the Sierra Maestra in '57, outnumbered and outgunned, fueled by his ideals and the belief that with time, men of courage will always prevail!" said Ozzie Guillen, who is basically baiting the people of Miami at this point.
- The Rangers held off the Capitals in Game 7 at Madison Square Garden, winning 2-1 to reach the Eastern Conference finals, where they will face the next-door neighbor New Jersey Devils. During the third period, New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg stood in the NYPD war room with his hand hovering over a red button, watching the game on a monitor. "With one push, I could exterminate the redneck population of the entire city," he muttered to himself. "Yet do I dare?"
- Dwight King (two goals) and the no. 8-seed L.A. Kings continued their surprise postseason run, earning a 4-2 Game 1 win over the Coyotes in the Western Conference finals. Los Angeles mayor Antonio Villaraigosa nearly imprisoned spectators at city bars in an attempt to clean up the redneck problem, but it turned out most of the suspects were actors dressed up as rednecks in the hopes of landing a minor movie role.
- Despite losing the first set, Roger Federer prevailed 3-6, 7-5, 7-5 to defeat Tomas Berdych for the Madrid Open title. Earlier in the week, Novak Djokovic and Rafael Nadal complained about the slippery blue clay after uncharacteristic early losses, to which Federer responded, "Seriously, guys, you should try floating. It's been really great for me."
- Matt Kuchar shot a 70 in the final round to win the Players Championship at 13-under. Rory McIlroy, misunderstanding the nature and significance of the tournament, knelt in front of Kuchar, removed his hat with a flourish, and kept shouting, "All hail the player's champion!"