In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Monday.
- Russell Westbrook tallied 29 points, seven boards, and nine assists as the Thunder routed the Lakers 119-90 in Game 1 of the Western Conference semifinals. "I'm not going to blame this loss on fatigue," said Lakers coach Mike Brown, who then urged reporters to keep the noise down as he carried a sleeping Pau Gasol to the team bus.
- In the Eastern Conference semis, the no. 8-seed 76ers snatched home court advantage away from the Celtics and leveled the series at 1-1 with an 82-81 Game 2 win. "Hey, what are you doing to our court?!" yelled irate Boston fans, as a misinformed Andre Iguodala attacked the wooden surface with a hand saw.
- Dan Girardi had a goal and an assist, and Henrik Lundqvist registered 21 saves as the Rangers took a 1-0 lead in the Eastern Conference finals with a 3-0 win over the Devils. "You did it, son!" shouted proud father Joe Girardi, in Chapter 7 of Girardi Fever, my Girardi fan fiction novel where the two are related.
- Following a 3-1 Dodgers victory over the Diamondbacks, red-hot outfielder Matt Kemp was placed on the 15-day DL with a strained hamstring. When he heard the news, Kemp immediately shut off his cell phone to avoid calls from former team owner Frank McCourt asking if he wanted to get together to watch daytime TV.
- An MRI showed that Miami forward Chris Bosh suffered an abdominal strain against the Pacers last weekend, and has been ruled out of the playoffs indefinitely. While this is terrible news for Heat fans, it's great news for fans of Bosh's angst-ridden goth poetry. "I bet he's going to compare the abdominal strain to God wrenching the rib from Adam's body to create Eve," speculated one total weirdo, who asked to be identified as "Abraxas."
- Bryce Harper hit his first major league home run, lifting the Nationals to an 8-5 win over the Padres. "Prom king, here I come," Harper shouted as he rounded the bases. As of this morning, Harper was polling at just 15 percent among potential prom king voters despite the home run.
- The injury plague afflicting the Yankees struck again as Ivan Nova left an eventual 8-5 win over the Orioles with a sprained foot and ankle after fielding a ground ball off the bat of Wilson Betemit. "I'm just really happy to have finally hit my way out of that wet paper bag," said Betemit, who was still covered in soggy bits of brown kraft paper.
- Major League Baseball fired Shyam Das, the arbitrator who overturned Ryan Braun's drug suspension in February. In a purely symbolic gesture, Ryan Braun overturned the firing and named Das permanent king of baseball.
- ESPN obtained a memo written by Florida State president Eric Barron listing the pros and cons of switching to the Big 12 from the ACC. No. 1 on the "pros" list was a giant illustration of Barron riding a Texas longhorn bull in a rodeo ring while crowds of scantily clad women cheered him on.