In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Wednesday.
- Patriots receiver Chad Ochocinco has offered to pay the $20,000 fine of Mason Foster, the Buccaneers linebacker who delivered a vicious hit on Ochocinco in a preseason game last week. He then offered to double the total to $40,000 if Foster did it again, but this time wore a Tom Brady jersey and talked dirty to him beforehand.
- The Indianapolis Colts reached a deal with veteran quarterback Kerry Collins, a sign that Peyton Manning may not be healthy when the team opens its season against Houston. Reggie Wayne was not pleased with the transaction. "We don't know him," he told reporters. "We ain't vanilla, man." When Collins heard the comment, he briefly tried to defend himself before fluttering his hands and collapsing onto a fainting couch.
- The Red Sox took a 1-game lead in the AL East with a 13-2 rout of Texas. David Ortiz made his return to the lineup after sitting out nine games with heel bursitis, and he hit the first pitch he saw for an RBI single. Due to the injury, though, Ortiz was forced to reach first by rolling down the baseline, and lost nearly a half second off his usual pace.
- Police conducted a search of LSU starting quarterback Jordan Jefferson's apartment after a bar fight that left one victim with three broken vertabrae. They collected DNA samples, several brown bags of evidence, and a gigantic banner over Jefferson's bed that read, "time to break some vertabrae!"
- The Diamondbacks preserved their slim 2-game lead in the NL West with a 4-2 win over the Nationals. Daniel Hudson pitched into the ninth, allowing just two runs and striking out six. He couldn't quite finish out the game, though, so the Nationals notched their 85th moral victory of the year.
- The little leaguers from Billings, Montana earned a spot in the American championship game with a 1-0 walk-off win against California. Back in Billings, which last year was named the third-drunkest city in America, the people celebrated by outdoing themselves.
- The Angels won their sixth in a row, beating the White Sox, 8-0 behind Jered Weaver's seven shutout innings. Weaver's ERA dropped to an incredible 2.03 the day after he signed an $85 million contract with the club. After the game, Weaver told the media he's just waiting for the money to clear his bank account before he starts lobbing every pitch underhand until his next contract year.
- Sean Rodriguez's hustle on the basepaths led to a walk-off fielder's choice in the Rays' 3-2 win over the Tigers. It was the first time hustle played such a huge role in a baseball game since David Eckstein single-handedly defeated Barry Bonds in the 2002 World Series using only grit, heart, and a rickety old wheelbarrow.
- After talks on Wednesday, the Titans have still not reached a deal with running back Chris Johnson. They've offered to make him the highest-paid running back in the NFL, but Johnson wants the team to prove that he'll be the highest-paid running back in the universe. "We don't really know what to do with that," said a weary team official, as he feverishly studied a map of outer space.
- Troy Tulowitzki scored on a wild pitch in the tenth inning to give Colorado a 7-6 walk-off win over Houston. Meanwhile, in heaven, a cruel God was struggling to think of the next humiliation for the Astros, but had pretty much decided it would involve locusts.
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