In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Tuesday.
- Kevin Garnett scored 26 points and Paul Pierce hit a dagger 3 with 52 seconds remaining as the Celtics beat the Heat 94-90 to take a 3-2 lead in the Eastern Conference finals. In a sad development to the continuing LeBron James story, the Heat star has taken up slam poetry as a method to cope with his end-of-game struggles. "These prevaricating MEN, I call them al-IEN: Rondo and GARNETT, haven't killed me YET," shouted James, pointing emphatically from the press conference podium. "And you, Mr. Pierce, who call yourself the TRUTH, who are you to proclaim me FALSE?! Where is your BOOK OF LIES?! For I am a SCRIBE, a son of of the SCROLLS, king of the TRIBE and father of SOULS! Skippedy-bop-bang, cock-a-doodle-DOO, I-got-my-freedoms-and-a-bloobity-BLOO " The poetry descended into gibberish at that point, and ended with James weeping quietly on Erik Spoelstra's tiny little shoulder.
- Andy Pettitte struck out 10 over 7.1 dominant innings as the Yankees moved to within a half-game of the division lead, beating the Rays 7-0. After the game, A-Rod whispered, "you deserve this" to Pettitte before handing him an autographed A-Rod baseball card.
- Rookie phenom Bryce Harper hit a walk-off single in the bottom of the 12th to lead the Nationals over the Mets 7-6. Man, isn't that just like the Harper-sichord?! That's so Harper-sichord!
(Here at About Last Night, we're pleased to welcome our latest sponsor, "Harpsichords by Zuckermann." Now offering clavichords!)
- Novak Djokovic saved four match points and Roger Federer rallied from a two-set deficit as both men won in five sets to reach the French Open semifinals. There, they'll meet Roger Federer and Novak Djokovic, who survived a scare of their own to win in five sets, and crap, I could have written this better.
- Despite insisting that he tore his Achilles tendon during conditioning drills, several eyewitnesses have reported that Ravens linebacker Terrell Suggs actually hurt himself playing basketball. "No way," said Suggs. "I was just doing my sprints, and these crazy men kept trying to bounce a ball off my hands and into the hoop. I can't be blamed for their wacky ideas!" This is the second offseason injury for Suggs, who sprained an ankle two years ago when some crazy men strapped his chest with a beeping, infrared-sensitive pack, handed him a gun that shot lasers, and dropped him in the middle of a dark room with strobe lights, techno music, and towers to hide behind.
- Saints linebacker Scott Shanle insisted to the Times-Picayune that the bounty program was blown out of proportion, and that the perception of players being paid to intentionally injury someone was merely a result of Gregg Williams's "colorful" language. "If you go out there and make them red," Williams reportedly shouted, "I will give you green until you're in the black. If you're yellow or lily-white, you'll make me blue. There's no gray area, and shrinking violets need not apply. Also, this is totally unrelated, but I hate that pinko Karl Marx and his purple prose." Williams then took a deep breath before looking around in confusion. "Hey, where's my orange juice? Seriously guys, where the f--- is my orange juice?"
- Ricky Seals-Jones, the top receiver in the incoming freshman class, has decommitted from Texas to explore schools like Baylor and LSU that will let him play football and basketball. After making the announcement, Seals-Jones was frightened by a phone call from a raving, unidentified lunatic who warned him to "watch out for those crazy men with their balls and their laser guns and their wacky ideas!"
- According to sources, Phil Mickelson texted PGA Tour commissioner Tim Finchem from the sixth fairway at Memorial last week to complain that cell phone usage by fans had gotten out of control. Later, he sent an Instagram photo of himself to Finchem wearing a mesh trucker's cap and holding up a sign that read, "Irony Is Killing This Sport."
- The NFL ruled that the Seahawks had "excessive offseason workouts," and the team will have to forfeit organized team activities the next two days and a workout on Friday. "We were going to practice the forward pass," said despondent head coach Pete Carroll, who had sketched out a rudimentary play where the quarterback hurled the ball ahead, using either one or two hands, to a player on his own team.