In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Thursday.
- LeBron James choked by scoring just 15 points in the second half, including a mere four in the fourth quarter, as Dwyane Wade and the Miami Heat overcame his nervy effort to beat Boston 98-79 and force a Game 7 in the Eastern Conference finals. In frustration, Heat coach Erik Spoelstra benched James for the final three minutes of the game in favor of Juwan Howard, who is no longer ambulatory.
- Seeking a career Grand Slam, Maria Sharapova reached her first ever French Open final, beating Petra Kvitova 6-3, 6-3. "H-h-hey Maria," said the clay at Court Phillipe Chatrier. "You, uh you were so great today, and I just it's been a great two weeks, and I, uh I don't know, would you ever, uh would you want to go out sometime, maybe?" Sharapova politely declined, which was smart because everyone knows the clay is a weird foot fetishist.
- After 29 scoreless innings to start the season, Reds reliever Aroldis Chapman finally gave up a run, allowing an RBI double to reserve catcher Michael McKenry as the Pirates won 5-4 in 10 innings. "Can you imagine? The best reliever in baseball gives up a run to the reserve catcher for the Pittsburgh Pirates? I mean, come on. He's the worst player! On the Pittsburgh Pirates, for God's sake!" said Pirates manager Clint Hurdle.
- Clay Buchholz hurled the third shutout of his career, a four-hit gem that gave the Red Sox a 7-0 win over the Orioles. "Don't you dare forget who the star is around here," said jealous manager-diva Bobby Valentine, wearing a gold lamé cap and a star-spangled vest.
- The New England Patriots released veteran wide receiver Chad Ochocinco Thursday. "Oooooh, this is my big chance!" said Massachusetts resident Sylvester Ochocuatro, who weighs 120 pounds and has never played organized football. "Oooooooh! Oooo-ooo-ooooooh!"
- Sources reported that the New Orleans Saints made a new offer to quarterback Drew Brees in an attempt to break their deadlocked negotiations. "They offered me the number I was after," said Brees, "but they changed the currency to the Turkish lira. This is so f---ing frustrating."
- David Price lasted five high-pressure innings, escaping a jam in the fifth to earn his AL-best eighth win in a 7-3 Rays victory over the Yankees. In his ongoing effort to deliver a witty line after every at-bat, A-Rod hit paydirt after a swinging strikeout when he stared out at the mound, shook his head, and whispered, "looks like I'm out of my price range."
- Former Titans cornerback Wade Davis has come out as gay. "Excellent, I say! Excellent! For there is far too much of the dread 'gridiron melancholia' going 'round among these be-padded pugilists!" said 115-year-old Titans owner Cornelius Amadeus Moonhauer.
- Six-year-old New Jersey native Joe Armento wrote a letter to former Giants running back Brandon Jacobs — with $3.36 enclosed from his piggy bank — in an effort to get him to stay with the team. Jacobs was moved by the note, right up until the second page when Armento started getting really political. "I'm NOT GOING TO APOLOGIZE for DOING WHAT I WANT with the money that I MADE!" wrote Armento, in a sloppy red crayon. "And by the way, WHERE'S THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE??!!?!?!?"