In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Thursday.
- The Yankees set a major league record by hitting three grand slams in a single game on the way to a 22-9 win over Oakland. Not content with a 13-run rout, sadistic manager Joe Girardi also put Jorge Posada at second base for the ninth inning, where the hobbled veteran DH recorded the game-ending put out. According to statisticians, this marks the first time in history where the ultimate goal of a baseball game was to mock the other team and make them cry.
- A source told ESPN that up to 13 Miami players have been declared temporarily ineligible for associating with booster Nevin Shapiro, including quarterback Jacory Harris. The players went into an immediate panic upon hearing the news, then calmed down when it was explained that they were ineligible to play football, not to visit strip clubs.
- Hurricane Irene is wreaking havoc on sports schedules, already impacting baseball, football, tennis, soccer and golf. "Hurricane ball," on the other hand, will go off as planned, according to league commissioner John Rocker.
- Tiger Woods has been selected for the President's Cup by American team captain Fred Couples. While Woods did not qualify by his own merit, Couples saw no reason to delay the selection. "He's the best player in the world forever," he told reporters. He then produced a photo of Tiger Woods with a red heart drawn around his face in what looked like lipstick. "See?!"
- The Giants keep losing to the Astros, dropping a 3-1 decision as Houston starter Henry Sosa earned his first career win. The Giants are now the lowest-scoring team in baseball, and their collective shame mounted when Sosa sent thank-you notes to Orlando Cabrera, Aubrey Huff, Cody Ross, Brandon Belt, and Eli Whiteside.
- Wade Miley also joined the first career win club, lasting six scoreless innings in an 8-1 Diamondbacks win over the Nationals. After the game, his teammates honored him by trying not to smirk when they said his full name.
- California reached the final of U.S. championship game in the Little League World Series, defeating Pennsylvania 2-0. They'll meet fan-favorite Montana in the finals, and have a chance to get revenge for Wednesday's loss. When the vaunted California team inevitably beats the scrappy underdogs, it will teach a valuable lesson to children everywhere that tethering yourself to a beautiful dream can only break your heart.
- Adrian Gonzalez hit two more home runs as the Red Sox beat the Rangers, 6-0. That gives him five homers for the series, which, in Texas' opinion, is overdoing it. Sometimes they wish he would just relax and actually enjoy a game. None of this is going to matter in ten years, so really, what's he trying to prove? Ride the wave, brother, or pretty soon you'll have nothing but regrets.
- Texas A&M has told the Big 12 that they'll continue to "explore their options" in terms of joining another conference. However, they've totally stopped exploring their options in terms of not embarrassing themselves on a national stage, and will just forge on ahead until it allllll works out.
- 40-year-old Jim Thome is back in Cleveland, the city where he spent twelve seasons from 1991-2002. A trade by the Twins sent the slugger to the Indians, where he'll try to help the team chase down the Tigers in the AL Central. This will be the first time Thome has chased anything since that time he went after a hellborn greaser who ruined one too many hootenannies with his awful Elvis music.
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