In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports over the weekend.
- Usain Bolt, Olympic gold medalist and the heavy favorite in the 100m finals at the World Championships, was disqualified at the event on Sunday, after a false start. But you have to wonder: did Bolt really move early, or did he just hear the gun faster than everyone else?
- Manchester United and Manchester City are at the top of English Premier League table after emphatic wins against North London clubs Arsenal and Tottenham, on Sunday. United's Wayne Rooney had a hat trick, and City's Edin Dzeko did him one better with four goals. It was the worst result for London since a man who sang bad news was forced to tell a fair lady that the city's main bridge was in the process of collapsing.
- David Price struck out a franchise record 14 batters as the Rays routed the Blue Jays 12-0. Still, Price couldn't get any of his buzzkill teammates to shout his catch phrase, 'the price is right!', when he passionately pointed at them after each strikeout.
- Derek Jeter now leads the universe in games played as a New York Yankee. He passed Mickey Mantle for the all-time lead in a 2-0 loss to the Orioles, though he is still well behind Mantle in home runs, RBI, and drunken punches thrown at Whitey Ford at 4 am.
- With the bases loaded and two outs, California's Nick Pratto singled in the game-winning run as his team beat Japan 2-1 for the Little League World Series championship. America has now won six of the last seven titles, mostly due to the fact that any foreign 12-year-old with talent was purchased by the Yankees years ago.
- Reports indicate that college basketball coach Steve Fisher will sign a 4-year contract extension with San Diego State on Monday. He was on the verge of getting an even more lucrative 6-year deal, but Chris Webber showed up at the last second and spilled ink all over the contract.
- Dodgers manager Don Mattingly says he never forced Andre Ethier to play through a knee injury, despite Ethier's comments to that effect in the Los Angeles Times. He only "lightly encouraged him," said Mattingly, as he smiled at reporters and delicately polished a pistol.
- Ian Kennedy became the National League's first 17-game winner as the Diamondbacks beat the Padres 6-1 to take their sixth straight. After the game, some historians disputed his success, claiming that most of the pitches were probably thrown by Theodore Sorensen.
- Zach Greinke improved his perfect home record to 10-0 as the Brewers snuck past the Cubs 3-2. When asked why he likes pitching at home so much, Greinke said he didn't know for sure, but it probably had something to do with the sweet smell of sausage sweat.
- Josh Hamilton went 3-4 with a home run to help the Rangers win the rubber game of their series with the Angels 9-5. Texas manager Ron Washington was disappointed to see that none of the Texas headlines after the game featured a hilarious 'ham' pun, as he was in the mood for a good giggle.
- A week before its season-opening game against Oregon, LSU has lost starting quarterback Jordan Jefferson to suspension and possible felony charges for allegedly kicking a man in the face at a Baton Rouge bar fight. Defense attorney Lewis Unglesby said he doesn't believe his client did anything wrong, and that "this has become something very disproportionate to what it is." Unglesby also unveiled his main argument: "how can a quarterback kick someone? Am I right? Doesn't that seem strange to anyone else?"
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