In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Wednesday.
- Clayton Kershaw and Cliff Lee each pitched eight strong innings, but Matt Kemp's walk-off home run in the 12th gave the Dodgers a 5-3 win over the Phillies. "If I had any less support, I'd be a well-endowed woman without a bra," said a downcast Cliff Lee, making this the eighth straight press conference where he's managed to compare his own pitching to a well-endowed woman. Luckily, his dejected mood made this instance far less graphic than usual.
- A group of Penn State students are holding a vigil to protect Joe Paterno's statue from those who may intend to take it down. "What people don't realize is that there are worms living under the base whose very way of life is protected by the statue's existence," said one student. An ecologist who was called in to investigate the situation confirmed that most of the worms were registered sex offenders.
- The University of Pittsburgh announced that it will pay $7.5 million in order to leave the Big East next July and join the ACC a year ahead of schedule. Sources say this is revenge for the millions of people throughout history who have paid good money to leave Pittsburgh.
- The U.S. military will spend $72.3 million in recruitment-based sponsorship money for NASCAR, ultimate fighting, bass fishing, and drag racing after an amendment to cancel the spending failed in the U.S. House. One House member tentatively suggested extending the sponsorship to sports like lacrosse, skiing, golf, and tennis, at which point every other member screamed, "I WILL NOT HAVE MY CHILD RISKING HIS LIFE IN SOME BACKWATER HELLHOLE," in unison, and then had a good laugh.
- In a rain-shortened game in the Bronx, the Yankees finished a sweep of the Toronto Blue Jays, winning 6-0 on the strength of Hiroki Kuroda's seven shutout innings. And look, I know I'm biased as a Yankees fan, but I wouldn't be an ethical journalist if I didn't point out that the rain is the latest evidence that God seems to prefer the Yankees. Or maybe he just hates Canada for being boring. Yeah, I guess that makes more sense.
- Two sources confirmed that Dwight Howard would be prepared to sign a long-term extension with the Lakers next season if the Magic trade him this summer. "I find it difficult to subtly undermine an entire franchise beneath a veneer of smiley Christianity without a multiyear contract," Howard reportedly said.
- Jordan Zimmermann lowered his ERA to 2.35 with six scoreless innings as the Nationals beat the Mets 4-3. As his public profile increases, Nationals PR representatives have encouraged him to change his name to the shorter, quippier, "Jordy Zim-Zim," saying his current one is a little too German, even 70 years later.
- In a practice round at the British Open, Brandt Snedeker aced the 336-yard par-4 16th hole with his second tee shot (the first was an iron to the middle of the fairway) and gave the ball to a kid on the course after autographing it. It's time now for the daily joke from Terrence, the depressed Grantland Robot, who hasn't learned to type in lowercase letters and is getting pretty weird artistically. Today, Terrence decided to make a poster to commemorate the event. Again, I don't really know what to say.
- Brandon Hicks hit his first career home run, a walk-off blast against the Texas Rangers, leading the A's to a 4-3 win. "Did anyone 'gram that?" asked Hicks, referring to Instagram, his all-consuming obsession. "I'm going to be so furious if nobody 'grammed that! Seriously, guys, who was 'gramming? I can't f***ing 'gram myself, you dicks."