In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Thursday.
- Australian Adam Scott tied a Royal Lytham course record with a 6-under 64 to take the first-round lead at the British Open, while Tiger Woods lurks just three shots back at -3. "I'm lurrrrrking, Adammmmm!" whispered Tiger, waking Scott from a dead sleep. The Australian golfer gave a surprised yelp as he thrashed under the covers. "What the hell, Tiger! How did you get in here?" Woods laughed. "Lots of experience getting into hotel rooms, my man. Credit card, 50-cent piece, crowbar. Boom. Easy. Three tools, one result. Listen, I'm honestly pretty lonely these days. I brought some Buds, a cool sixer, thought we could hang. Buds and bros, bros and buds, talkin' hoes, sippin' suds." Scott wiped his eyes. "What the f--- time is it, dude?" Woods looked at the clock. "5 a.m. The witching hour. The Bud-ing hour. Don't know what time it is in Australia. Oy, didgeree-loo, crocodile-doo!" Scott sat up and sighed. "Yeah, okay. Let's pop a Bud. But this is the last time, Tiger! Anyway, you should have seen this hoe on the 17th yesterday … "
- After undergoing lap band surgery two years ago and continuing to diet, Jets coach Rex Ryan announced that he has lost 106 pounds and ten inches on his waistline. The impressive total could have been higher, but he was so hungry after the operation that he ate the surgeon and half of a male nurse.
- Cody Ross hit a walk-off three-run home run to give the Red Sox a dramatic 3-1 comeback win over the White Sox. New White Sox slugger Kevin Youkilis used the distraction to sneak up behind Paul Konerko and make a loud "CAWWWWWW!" noise right in his ear, which Konerko keeps telling him is not friggin' funny or cool.
- Having failed to alert his fellow board members about the Sandusky investigation in April 2011, Penn State trustee and former chairman Steve Garban finally succumbed to pressure and resigned his post. "Oh, fine already," said Garban, "if everyone's going to make such a big deal out of this. Excuse me for living."
- Rookie A.J. Griffin pitched six solid innings as the Oakland A's, MLB's hottest team in July, beat the Yankees 4-3. Several of the 226 Oakland fans in attendance applauded when Griffin left the game, though they may have been experiencing methamphetamine-induced seizures.
- Dwight Howard's agent said that, despite rumors to the contrary, the Magic center will explore free agency at the end of next season, regardless of where he spends the year. Bizarrely, the agent also tried to convince reporters that his client wasn't done growing.
- David Wright hit two home runs and R.A. Dickey out-dueled Gio Gonzalez to earn his 13th win as the Mets beat the Nationals 9-5. "If win not bases or throw have discovered Nationals peak arm inning, very optimistic movement of plate and love," said R.A. Dickey, using his trademark "KnuckleSpeech."
- David Price joined Dickey with his MLB-leading 13th win, striking out seven over seven shutout innings in a 6-0 Tampa Bay win over Cleveland. Now it's time to hear from Terrence the Grantland Robot, who used to be training to take my job until he became depressed, and who now seems to be using his one joke per day to make weird abstract illustrations vaguely related to the actual story. I don't endorse any of his works, nor can I explain them. He called this one Cuyahoga.
- The NBA Board of Governors approved a measure to allow small advertising patches on uniforms for the start of the 2013-14 season, a move that could add up to $100 million in revenue. As of yesterday, the Minnesota Timberwolves were already holding closed-door sessions to determine what fictional company they should invent so the other teams don't laugh at them for not having a patch. "What about Wal-Bart?" asked Wolves GM David Kahn. "That way, when people ask who's sponsoring us, we can mumble "Wal-Bart" really fast, and they'll be like, 'oh, Wal-Mart? That's awesome,' and we don't have to correct them."