In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Monday.
- Mariners icon Ichiro Suzuki was traded to the Yankees hours before the two teams played in Seattle, a game the Yankees won 4-1 as Ichiro went 1-4 with a stolen base. I'm not really supposed to editorialize in this space, but I think it's fair to say that the trade is the worst thing to happen to Seattle sports fans since Starbucks hero Howard Schultz was forced to courageously move the Supersonics to Oklahoma after it became clear that the city didn't love them enough.
- The NCAA leveled a series of unprecedented penalties on Penn State in the wake of the Sandusky scandal, fining the school $60 million, banning them from postseason play for four years, and vacating the school's wins since 1998. The news was greeted with wild celebrations by the student body at Southern Mississippi University, where the Golden Eagles lost to Penn State 34-6 in Week 1 of the '98 season.
- Former Florida State coach Bobby Bowden, who now owns the most wins in FBS history, said he will not be celebrating his new record in deference to the victims at Penn State. "No sir, I ain't gon' celebrate," Bowden reiterated, "but I sho cain't help muh-self if I get a touch of that ol' BOOGIE WOOGIE FEVAH!"
- Josh Johnson struck out nine batters (seven on his curveball) and Emilio Bonifacio hit his first home run of the season to give the Marlins a 2-1 win over the Braves. After the game, Braves manager Fredi Gonzalez was mum on whether they would start to rethink the team philosophy, held since the early 1900s, that the curveball is nothing but an optical illusion.
- Sources report that the Orlando Magic may keep Dwight Howard for now, despite the star center's repeated wish to be traded before the season begins. "Maybe we'll put him on a pony," said Magic GM Rob Hennigan. "Dwighty, would you like that? Would you like a pony?" Howard, who had crossed his arms and was frowning intently, couldn't help but smile at the idea of a pony.
- Bryce Harper homered and keyed a six-run surge in the 10th with a bases-loaded single as the Nationals beat the Mets 8-2. His teammates hoped the excellent game might cut down on his post-game habit of solitary, intense whittling. "I've seen a lot of whittling," said Nationals slugger Ryan Zimmerman, "and this is by far the angriest. I don't even think he's making anything."
- In other trade news, the Rangers acquired Rick Nash in a trade with the Columbus Blue Jackets, making this the first time any baseball franchise has completed a successful trade with a team from a different sport. As long as the "Rangers" are the Texas Rangers, not the New York Rangers. I haven't looked it up beyond the headline, since I don't like hockey or reading or Texas.
- Scott Feldman threw seven strong innings and Mike Napoli homered for the fourth straight time against Boston as the Rangers dealt the Red Sox a 9-1 loss. Guys, I'm sorry to report that we had to let Terrence the Grantland Robot go. His attitude was consistently poor, and he lost the love for sports and humor that he had as a young 'bot. Please wish him well in all his future endeavors. In the meantime, I'm happy to report a new hire: Cassandra the Grantland Dairy Cow. This will be Cassandra's first joke. Take it away, kid: "MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO." (Note to editors: This is not working!)
- Cowboys receiver Dez Bryant's mother told authorities that she doesn't want to pursue a criminal case against her son after an argument between them turned violent last week, leading to Bryant's arrest. "Hey, just so we're clear, everyone understands that I'm not related to these people, right?" asked Kobe Bryant. "We're all 100 percent on board there? Just, like, no relation at all. Completely unrelated. Couldn't be further away from relations of any kind. I just want to be real transparent on this one, because, man, what a sad little thing they've got going on, right? Eee-yikes."