In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Wednesday.
- In the finals of the 100-meter freestyle, American Nathan Adrian stunned the field to take the gold medal by .01 seconds. After the race, Adrian had to interrupt his interview with NBC to stop half-witted teammate Ryan Lochte from drinking too much pool water after he wandered off from his parents.
- After a disastrous showing in the team final, Danell Leyva recovered to win a bronze medal in the men's all-around gymnastics final. "I guess I've known it all along," said Leyva, "I love myself way more than I love my country. Like way, way, way more. Honestly, I'm not even clear on the name of the country. Is it America or the United States? Those seem like really different names to me. Pick one, am I right? Anyway, if anyone wants to buy a miniature American flag with tiny pictures of my face replacing the stars, it's only $20. For $40, I'll sign it. For $60, I'll sign it with McKayla Maroney's name."
- Just hours after being promoted from Triple-A Reno, Patrick Corbin pitched six shutout innings as the Diamondbacks finished a sweep of the Dodgers with a 4-0 win. Despite the strong performance, he admitted to the media that he's still getting used to breathing air that isn't 40 percent methamphetamine.
- In a wild tenth inning, the Rangers answered three Angels runs with four of their own, winning 11-10 in walk-off fashion after a two-run single by Elvis Andrus. "Wooooo!" said Rangers manager Ron Washington, firing a pistol into the clubhouse ceiling even though he's been asked several times to please stop doing that. "Wooooo!" he yelled again, firing one more shot for good measure.
- In a fantastic anchor leg to the women's 4x200 freestyle relay, Allison Schmitt chased down Australia's Alicia Coutts to secure gold for the Americans. She then urinated defiantly all over the bathroom floor now that her nagging wife is gone for good. Hold on … am I thinking of Allison Schmitt, or the movie About Schmidt? Ahhh, I keep confusing them! So frustrating! It's definitely one of the two …
- As the labor dispute between the NFL and its officials continues, commissioner Roger Goodell said he is comfortable with replacement referees in the preseason. The striking refs responded by confronting the scabs in a dark alley, but violence was averted after several flags were thrown and police were attracted by the constant whistles.
- Jake Peavy struck out eight over eight solid innings as the White Sox topped the Twins 3-2. Despite the loss, the Twins struck a happy note in their monthly fan newsletter, announcing record profits now that every player except Joe Mauer is officially below the poverty line.
- After Jets cornerback Antonio Cromartie insulted the team's receiving corps by saying he would be second on their depth chart, prompting receiver Chaz Schilens to take offense, Rex Ryan told reporters that he was in control of the team and that it "will not be a problem." He then ate a lot of food, because he's a fatty fatty fat fat man. AND THUS ENDS THE ERA OF THE REX RYAN FAT JOKES, FOR REX RYAN IS NOW NOT VERY FAT, APPARENTLY. BUT BEWARE, REX, FOR IF THOU SHOULD GROW FAT AGAIN, THE MIGHTY ARM OF "ABOUT LAST NIGHT" SHALL STRIKE AT YOU WITH GREAT FURY!
- Eight badminton players, including the reigning world doubles champions from China, were kicked out of the Olympics for intentionally trying to lose in the qualifying stages. According to sources, the NFL was so inspired by the IOC's brave move that they may kick Norv Turner out of the league once and for all. "Guys, it's not intentional!" said Turner, who then winked by accident at exactly the wrong time.