In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Tuesday.
- American gymnast Aly Raisman won a bronze medal on the balance beam event final, and followed that up with a gold on the floor exercise. Beleaguered U.S. gymnast Jordyn Wieber finished seventh in the floor exercise when she experienced an unfortunate bout of Apparatus Confusion Disorder (ACD), leading her to mistake the floor for the uneven bars and jump around making weird swinging motions until she was tranquilized by her coach.
- Two-time gold medalists Misty May-Treanor and Kerri Walsh-Jennings reached the beach volleyball finals for a third time with a thrilling 22-20, 22-20 win over China, and they'll face April Ross and Jen Kessy, who beat the reigning world-champion Brazilian team in the other semifinal. The Canadian team was eliminated earlier in the tournament when U.S. soccer star Abby Wambach stood behind the chair umpire and loudly counted off the seconds it took Team Canada to serve, eventually earning a critical 10-point delay of game penalty.
- Buster Posey stayed hot with a three-run home run as the Giants beat the Cardinals 4-2. "You guys really think I'm hot?" he asked reporters in the locker room, forcing each one to agree before he'd give them a quote. In related news, there are 16 new job openings in San Francisco sports journalism.
- U.S. boxers lost nine of their last 10 bouts to ensure that the country would not medal in any weight class for the first time in team history. The team's main shortcoming stems from the controversial new scoring system, which rewards triple points for a technique called "slapsies," which the U.S. refuses to employ. Meanwhile, French boxers are on pace to win 14 gold medals.
- Dawn Harper and Kellie Wells took silver and bronze in the women's 100-meter hurdles, while 30-year-old Lolo Jones just missed the podium by finishing fourth. "Darn it, I can never go all the way!" said Jones, who is still trying to pretend she hasn't had lots and lots of awesome sex.
- Milwaukee's Mike Fiers took a perfect game into the seventh inning, leading the Brewers to a 3-1 win over the Reds. The bid for perfection ended when the clouds above the stadium began to undergo a strange formation, eventually spelling out NOTHING IS PERFECT IN MILWAUKEE, just as Zack Cozart hit a double into left-center.
- A group of former Penn State players led by quarterback Michael Robinson told the NCAA that they plan to appeal the sanctions on the program, including the vacated wins. "You men have my full support!" said Jerry Sandusky, ruining any chance the appeal has of succeeding. "You just let Papa Sandman know what you need!"
- The Orioles won their 12th straight extra-inning game, beating the Mariners 8-7 on Adam Jones's walk-off single. In another interesting statistical anomaly, this is the 45th straight loss for the Mariners in games where manager Eric Wedge ordered the team to "play for a draw."
- Mike Trout became just the fifth player in MLB history to hit a home run on his 21st birthday, but the Angels fell to the A's 10-4. "Some peoples say ituzzz luckah swing," said a clearly intoxicated Trout, who dropped 13 fly balls in the game, "but I'mma big big boy hitta homerun and everronenn STOP LOOKIH ATTMEEE!"