In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Wednesday.
- In the opening game of the NFL season, Tony Romo threw for 307 yards and three touchdowns — two of them to unheralded receiver Kevin Ogletree — as the Cowboys beat the Giants 24-17. On the Giants side, rookie running back David Wilson wept after a first-quarter fumble, but later admitted he had been listening to the song "Nothing Compares 2 U" by Sinead O'Connor on tiny headphones. "That part where she sings it really high?" asked Wilson, rhetorically, before sobbing again. He then turned and saw a deflated Tom Coughlin with his head in his hands a few seats down. "See? It gets him, too!"
- Red Sox manager Bobby Valentine exploded at a Boston radio host for questioning whether he had mentally checked out of the season, but later admitted that the 2012 campaign had been "miserable." He then put former Met Edgardo Alfonzo in the lineup at shortstop for the seventh straight game.
- Roger Federer is out of the U.S. Open after losing to Tomas Berdych in four sets in his quarterfinal match, while Andy Roddick's career came to an end with a fourth-round loss to Juan Martin Del Potro. "Hey, I heard you were retiring," said Federer, when the two met in the locker room. "Good job, Randy. Good stuff. We'll all miss you." He then slapped him hard on the back and walked away. "It's Andy," said Roddick, to himself. "My name is Andy."
- Russell Martin's home run and three RBIs gave the Yankees a much-needed 6-4 win over the Rays, and a one-game lead in the AL East. "Phew! Big win!" said A-Rod, conducting his press conference in a tight green dress that several teammates bought him before the game, saying it was a "mantoga," the latest fashion trend for masculine big leaguers.
- Gio Gonzalez picked up his 18th win with seven scoreless innings, and the Nationals backed him up with their second straight six-homer game in a 9-1 win over the Cubs. And now, Terrence the Grantland Robot, who is trying to get back to his robot roots after some personal struggles: "GIO GONZALEZ PITCHED SEVEN INNINGS. THERE ARE NINE INNINGS IN A BASEBALL GAME. IF THE GAME IS TIED IT WILL GO INTO EXTRA INNINGS WHERE AHHH FORGET IT, MAN. I CAN'T DO THE ROBOT THING ANYMORE. I CAN'T BE WHO PEOPLE EXPECT. I'M IN LOVE. I'M IN LOVE WITH A HUMAN BEING NAMED WANDA."
- Rookie Adeiny Hechavarria's RBI safety squeeze gave the Blue Jays a lead they wouldn't relinquish in a 6-4 win over the Orioles. In related news, baseball experts have determined that "Adeiny's safety squeeze" is the lamest combination of words in the sport's long history.
- A study commissioned to examine the brains of former NFL players found that they're more likely to suffer and die from degenerative brain disease. "Sounds like more biased nonsense from liberal scientists," said the last lawyer still representing Big Tobacco, in a phone call to Roger Goodell. "I'd be happy to help you guys, after I finish this other case where I'm trying to reopen a water slide that has real sharks in it."
- Former Cubs minor league journeyman Adam Greenberg, 31, is attempting to make an unusual comeback to baseball after his only plate appearance in the majors ended with him getting beaned in the head in 2005. "Oh man, brainstorm," said Roger Clemens to his agent, when he read the story. "This is perfect. I'm making a comeback too. Think about it: Me, back on the mound for the 'Stros, and the first batter I face is Greenberg. Flash bulbs popping, people going nuts, ESPN's got it live the biggest story of the night, right? And then, get this: I bean him in the head. I bean him right in the fucking head! He goes down, I'm going nuts, the Cubs cut him on the spot, America is laughing its ass off, and the Rog is king again. It's gold, man! You know it's gold."