In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Thursday.
- The Baltimore Orioles used three home runs in the eighth inning to break open a tie ball game and surge to a 10-6 win over the Yankees. With 25 games left in the season, the teams are now tied atop the AL East. "It's getting really tense," A-Rod admitted after the game, shaking his head. "It's a puzzle I just can't solve the orange, it really it really baffles me. I mean, sometimes I wake up, know it's going to be a bad day without any progress, and I can't help but hate the game. Maybe I'll never solve this one. It's been almost two decades for me, and I can't believe I'm saying this, but yeah I think the love is gone. And what does that leave for me, A-Rod? What else can someone like me ever do? Nothing. I'm boxed in. What black-hearted bastard invented you, Rubik's Cube?"
- In the midst of a 9-2 drubbing at the hands of the Nationals, Cubs bench coach Jamie Quirk shouted obscenities at Washington third base coach Bo Porter, leading to two bench-clearing incidents, the second of which culminated in Ian Desmond accidentally knocking umpire Bill Miller to the ground while backing away from Cubs catcher Steve Clevenger. Witnesses reported that the whole thing was a big misunderstanding, and that Quirk was actually cursing at God for making him a member of the Cubs, not Porter.
- A Colorado third-grader was sent home for wearing Peyton Manning's no. 18 jersey, which is banned in the school because of the number's association with a local gang. The vicious Colorado Eighteens are a bloodthirsty bunch, known for changing their killing method at the last minute based on a quick read of the victim's face and a keen instinct for the surrounding streets.
- Novak Djokovic reached his 10th straight grand slam semifinal with a straight sets win over Juan Martin Del Potro, and will meet David Ferrer, who outlasted Janko Tipsarevic in five sets. The Djokovic-Ferrer match is best analyzed by considering the parable of the mouse and the elephant, but unfortunately I don't remember almost anything about it.
- Sources report that Justin Timberlake will be part of a new prospective ownership group that will soon purchase the Memphis Grizzlies. Meanwhile, Lance Bass is scheduled to take part in a sumo wrestling promotion between the fifth and sixth inning at the Jamestown Jammers game next Tuesday. The Jammers are the Single-A Marlins affiliate, and team officials confirmed that Bass will not be paid for his appearance.
- A study showed that the Jets and Patriots have the highest average ticket prices in the NFL. "Have you ever met one of our fans?" the teams asked in a joint statement released yesterday. "I mean, we're trying our best to discourage them from coming at all. They're loathsome people, and they don't belong in public. Go Packers!"
- The Atlanta Braves won their second straight game without an RBI, 1-0 over the Rockies, scoring on a muffed exchange between pitcher and catcher and becoming the first team to accomplish the feat since RBIs were first tracked in 1920. Meanwhile, the Chicago Cubs remain the only team to somehow lose two straight games without giving up a run.
- With the Ryder Cup just three weeks away, Rory McIlroy and Tiger Woods continued to show great form on Thursday, shooting 64 and 65 in the first round of the BMW Championship. In a display of good-natured patriotism, Woods gave McIlroy a picture of President Obama, while McIlroy gave him a picture of Queen Elizabeth. "I actually can't have pictures of women," Woods said. "Because of the whole you know. Yeah, even her."
- Cincinnati quarterback Munchie Legaux threw for 205 yards and two touchdowns as the Bearcats routed Pittsburgh 34-10 in their Big East opener. Legaux celebrated with his entire family after the game, except for younger brother Chafie Legaux, who stayed in his hotel room because he forgot his lotion and his inner thighs were just a total mess.