I have an open wager to anyone on Grantland Fantasy Island: If you start Blaine Gabbert against me and beat me, I’ll tattoo "I <3 Gabbert" on my chest. I’ll wait to make my Tim Tebow wager until after Mark Sanchez implodes.
Since I’m writing this on Monday afternoon, I’ll just assume I won two weeks in a row in the Fantasy Island league. (Eric Decker needs a 2010 Michael Vick performance to beat me.) It’s also safe to assume I outscored everyone in the league for the second week. (Barring something insane from Tony Gonzalez or Julio Jones.)
Why am I such an unequivocal success in this league? Unlike everyone else, I have a mullet, and with it, I gain Samson-like powers. When I’m sitting by the pool, drinking PBR and reviewing fantasy stats through my cracked-screen phone, my mullet keeps my neck cool under pressure. That’s why my waiver wire pickups are guaranteed to be winners — like every team playing the Jaguars in 2012.
Donnie Avery, WR, Colts
Have you ever watched Donald Brown run? It’s like watching Paula Deen ride things. And no one wants to do that. That’s why I love Donnie Avery so much as a waiver pickup this week. I could give you data such as “targets” or something else like that — but watching the game was convincing enough. Luck and Avery seem to be working on their chemistry, and it’s truly beautiful. I watched their highlights on “All 22” while listening to the Avett Brothers, and I cried a little bit.
Donnie Avery needs to start this week because Indianapolis is playing at home against the Jacksonville Gabuars. If Andrew Luck spends more than 40 minutes (highly probable) with the football, it’s entirely possible Avery will catch around 10 balls for 120 yards and a touchdown.
Blaine Gabbert Fact Break No. 1: Blaine Gabbert is the most pathetic failure since Yung Berg.
Daryl Richardson, RB, Rams
Coming into the fold after the Warner-Faulk era and having to watch the Rams do their post-greatness shuffle, Steven Jackson never got to play for a contender. At the ripe age of 29, signs of wear are beginning to show, and the once reliable fantasy performer will likely see his touches decline for the remainder of the season. Before being pulled from the game with a sore groin, he looked like a man who carried a lackluster offense for nine seasons.
Enter Daryl Richardson, the pride of Abilene Christian. He joins the company of other great Abilene Christian players, like Bernard “3.4 YPC” Scott. Unlike Scott, Richardson combines his speed with a knack for the end zone. The Rams may be better with him on the field, and it might not be long before Rams coaching staff knows it. Grab Richardson now while he’s still around.
Blaine Gabbert Fact Break No. 2: When Blaine Gabbert isn’t being a horrible quarterback, he listens to dubstep remixes of Nickelback.
Side note: Trade for Chris Johnson
No one respects the Titans right now because Jake Locker is trying his very best to draw Blaine Gabbert comparisons. Everyone seems to be keen on selling Chris Johnson, and I’m an eager buyer. I’m of the opinion that not all parts of an offense can fail in the NFL. I already have Kenny Britt and his associated baggage, so my trade proposal to Ramon was Michael Crabtree and Pierre Thomas for Chris Johnson.
The Titans have a nice schedule the rest of the way. They play the Colts. Twice. The Gabuars. Twice. The Dolphins. The Vikings. The Bills. If you’re willing to gamble, grab Chris Johnson while he’s averaging 1.1 YPC. He’s Chris Johnson, and there is no way he can suck all season.
Blaine Gabbert Fact Break No. 3: Through his first 17 games, Blaine Gabbert has a lower completion percentage and passer rating than JaMarcus Russell.