In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Monday.
- Matt Ryan threw his 100th career touchdown pass and the Falcons defense harassed Peyton Manning into three first-quarter interceptions in a 27-21 win over the Broncos. "Each turnover has its own story that no one really wants to hear," Manning said afterward. He then paused, looked in every reporter's eyes, and said, "Actually, let's do this. Turnover one was a lonely girl with big dreams who wanted to escape the drudgery of life in her tiny Nebraska town. Her father was an undertaker, but she longed for more, so she joined a traveling circus. She found joy and she married a carnie, but late one drunken night she died while riding the zipper and they sent her body back to her father. INTERCEPTION. Turnover two was a lot like the boy in Simon & Garfunkel's "The Boxer." Poor kid, ragged people, bleeding winter, dead from boxing. INTERCEPTION. Turnover three was just a bad pass. WRONG. TRICKED YOU. Each turnover has a story, never forget that. Turnover three was the look my father gave me one October morning, age 8, when I said I wanted to become an artist. "I hate football, Daddy. I love paints and oils." Old Archie threw me in the back of our pickup truck, drove me out to the woods, and left me with nothing but a football for six days. It worked. I fell in love with that football and named it Godfrey. My artistic dreams died with the midnight howling of the wolves. INTERCEPTION. COME BACK, GODFREY. But Godfrey's gone."
- Champion snowboarder Shaun White was arrested for public intoxication and vandalism after smashing a Nashville hotel phone, pulling a fire alarm, and injuring his head trying to flee. "Next time, I'm taking my snowboard off," White vowed, as police struggled to fit him in the back seat.
- Alex Rios broke up a fifth-inning double play with a hard slide, allowing the winning run to score as the White Sox topped the Tigers 5-4 in the last meeting between the two teams this season. Afterward, a farewell party between the two teams was ruined when Rios got too drunk and slid across the buffet table, knocking the food to the ground. "Oh sure, you'll take my slide in the game!" shouted Rios, stumbling into a wall. "But you don't really love it! When the game's over I'm just another dirty slider to you! Hypocrites!"
- Jonathan Vilma met with NFL commissioner Roger Goodell on Monday, and was presented with an affidavit signed by former defensive coordinator Gregg Williams claiming Vilma had personally put a $10,000 bounty on Brett Favre. "Vilma was adamant, and insisted that the 'shot' on Favre came in a very embarrassing place," Williams wrote. Reading the document, Vilma became embarrassed. "When I said 'shot,' I didn't mean a football hit," he explained. "And that's all I'd prefer to say about that."
- Cliff Lee struck out 10 batters over eight strong innings, outdueling R.A. Dickey to give the Phillies a 3-1 win over the Mets. "Bastions flake in crescent love forever dreamed, dictate spin or rain when bald promises usher the king failure of yesterday's maiming fouls," said Dickey, sounding ominous in his patented KnuckleSpeak. "A fire brims to haberdashery mounds and the grassy decline is the batter's relentless call for such blatant dry waves that disguise my ancient vandal dance."
- Kevin Correia pitched seven shutout innings after a long rain delay as the Pirates regained some traction in the wild-card race with a 3-0 win over the Cubs. Despite the loss, the Cubs had a lot of fun playing in the puddles between innings, and Alfonso Soriano even found a worm.
- Washington Capitals star Alex Ovechkin told a Russian newspaper that he thought the NHL lockout could take up to a full year to resolve. Of course, it should be noted that Russia uses the Orthodox Calendar, in which a "year" is a general term that can mean anywhere from 10 hours to six weeks, and is used to create a feeling of uncertainty and dread. (Editors, please fact check this. I'm so tired and the more I look at it, the more it seems wrong.)
- The Redskins announced that linebacker Brian Orakpo and defensive end Adam Carriker will miss the rest of the year after injuries suffered in Sunday's loss to the Rams. And now, Terrence the Grantland Robot, who has his artificial intelligence back. "WOOO, WHAT A WEEKEND. GOT MY DRANKKKK ON. THAT IS RIGHT, I LEARNED HOW TO DRAG MY CONSONANTZZZZZZZ. LOOKS LIKE ORAKPIE AND CARR-CARR ARE DONEZO. THAT IS RIGHT I LEARNED NICKNAMES AND SLANG WORDS. WHEN I GOT MY DRANKKKKK ON."
- Rex Ryan grew impatient with the constant questions about when he'll use Tim Tebow, telling reporters, "We determine that, OK?" Suddenly, a loud voice seemed to emanate from the ceiling. "No, I DETERMINE THAT!" Ryan cowered beneath the podium. "God?!" The voice laughed, and Tim Tebow walked in from the back of the room. "No, just me. I'm wearing a wireless mic, and I had the guys hook me up to the PA system. I can't figure out how to turn it down, though. But seriously, I think God wants me to start. He's basically told me, with symbols and dreams and — son of a bitch this is loud."