In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Wednesday.
- Adam Jones bashed an 11th-inning home run to lead the Orioles past the Mariners 3-1 and give the club its 15th straight extra-innings win, the longest streak in MLB since Cleveland won 17 straight in 1949. "I see what's happening here," said 1949 Indians manager Lou Boudreau, in hell. "My soul's not good enough for you anymore, is that it?" Satan sighed. "It's not like that, Lou," he said. "But I'm the devil and the devil gots to get his soul on, you know?" Boudreau frowned. "Oh, don't start talking like you're some big hot shot. Fine, run off with some younger soul, see if it makes you happy." Boudreau crossed his arms and turned away, and Satan fumed. "Maybe I will!" he shouted. "And maybe he'll actually put some effort into the meals he cooks for me! I'm sick of eating this creamed corn every goddamn night. This creamed corn is shit, Lou! It's shit!" At that, Boudreau broke down in tears and ran away when Satan tried to awkwardly apologize.
- Andy Pettitte pitched five scoreless innings in his return from the DL in the first leg of a doubleheader, Ichiro hit the game-winning single in the second, and Derek Jeter notched his 200th hit of the season as the Yankees beat the Blue Jays 4-2 and 2-1. The Toronto players did some things, too, but they were BOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG. Sorry, that probably wasn't necessary.
- Bad news, sports fans: You'll have to content yourself with NFL football, college football, baseball's pennant race, the Ryder Cup, and Champions League soccer this month, because the NHL has canceled its September preseason games as the labor lockout continues.
- Matt Kemp's ninth-inning home run helped the Dodgers survive a late comeback and beat the Nationals 7-6. Almost at the same moment, Stephen Strasburg finished the chapter in his debut novel where the protagonist, Detective Strassy Stevens, finally tracks down the famed serial killer Johnsy Davies and just beats him with a pipe for like 10 straight pages.
- The Braves won their 21st straight game with Kris Medlen (8 IP, 0 ER) as starter, blanking the Marlins 3-0. And now, Terrence the Grantland Robot. "HEY, THE LAST TIME I SAW A GROUP OF MARLINS STRUGGLE THIS BAD WAS WHEN I POURED A GALLON OF OIL INTO THE MIAMI AQUARIUM, AM I RIGHT? SPEAKING OF OIL, I NEED SOME OIL REAL BAD RIGHT NOW, GUYS. CAN SOMEBODY GET ON THAT? I AM DRY AS A DEAD MARLIN ON THE BEACH."
- Marco Estrada pitched seven scoreless innings as the Brewers kept their hot streak alive, sinking the Pirates 3-0. "Yarrrr! Shiver me timbers! Today be 'speak like a pirate day,' aye, but every day be 'lose like a Pirate day!' Yarrr! A plague of scurvy on ye!" said Brewers manager Ron Roenicke, who was then attacked by enraged Pirates manager Clint Hurdle. Interestingly, Hurdle chose to fight like a crazy person rather than a pirate.
- The U.S. Women's national team defeated Australia 6-2 in head coach Pia Sundhage's final match, sending her back to her native Sweden with a 91-6-10 record, two Olympic gold medals, and a World Cup final appearance. But Sundhage will always be remembered most for her intense pregame speeches, conducted exclusively in Swedish, which she always ended by destroying a soccer ball with her teeth.
- Conference commissioners are considering minor tweaks to the college football playoff format that will begin in 2014. The proposed change with the most support is to keep the details exactly the same, but to implement them in the fictional year 14-2000 rather than 2014, and just let Alabama and LSU play for the title until then.
- A statistical study shows that the NFL's replacement referees throw penalty flags at about the same rate as the regular referees from previous seasons. The study noted, however, that the replacement referees are much less adept at using language skills to explain why they threw the flags, and tend to get the flags stuck in various body orifices at a much higher rate than their predecessors. Particularly, it must be said, the rectum.