In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Monday.
- The Chicago Bears intercepted Tony Romo five times, returning two for touchdowns, in a 34-18 rout of the Cowboys. In the press box, angry Cowboys owner Jerry Jones tersely addressed his servant. "Lyle, please maneuver my face into a frown for the cameras," he said. "And don't mope about it. You already have second-hand botulism, it's not like it can get worse."
- The Nationals lost 2-0 to the Phillies, but clinched the NL East title when Atlanta fell 2-1 to Pittsburgh. In an odd development, the Pennsylvania Chamber of Commerce held an emergency meeting and decided to make these results the centerpiece of their next tourism campaign. It will replace the current "Disappear into Coal Country!" campaign, which in turn replaced the controversial "Andy Reid: He Won't Eat You!" campaign, which in turn replaced the refreshingly honest but not very lucrative "The Liberty Bell: It's Just a Fucking Bell, Guys" campaign, which replaced the "ALL THE NATION'S GLORY TO JOE PATERNO!" campaign, which ran for 37 years.
- Miguel Cabrera had four hits, including a home run that gave him the lead in all three triple crown categories, as the Tigers clinched the AL Central with a 6-3 win over the Royals. "They are embarrassing us," said the Queen of England, throwing her remote against the wall in her sports cave in Buckingham Palace. "I mean, how many years am I going to watch this team lose and lose and lose?" She kicked over a small trash can, and beer bottles rolled across the floor, terrifying Kate Middleton, who cowered on the couch. "You don't name your team after the Royals and then suck!" she screamed. "You don't do it! Hey, Kate, why don't you get the f--- out of here, you sniveling little priss. Tell me, what year did George Brett win the MVP? What year, Kate? No? Nothing? That's what I thought. Get the f--- out. Just go."
- The Yankees hit four homers in a nine-run second inning en route to beating Boston 10-2 and opening up a one-game lead in the AL East with two games to play. Afterward, A-Rod attempted to take credit for all four home runs.
- Coco Crisp's go-ahead double in the fifth inning spurred the Oakland A's to a 4-3 win over the Rangers, clinching the club's first postseason berth since 2006 and moving them within a game of Texas in the AL West. "As the person with the wackiest name in the Oakland franchise, I'm happy I could deliver a big hit," Crisp told reporters. In his office in the bowels of the stadium, tears streamed down Billy Beane's face. "Why does he try to hurt me?"
- Elian Herrera's walk-off single gave the Dodgers their sixth straight win, 3-2 over the Giants, and kept their slim wild-card hopes alive with two games to play. And now, Terrence the Grantland Robot. "HELLO, READERS. DID YOU KNOW THAT WHEN SHANE IS GONE FOR A LONG WEEKEND I AM KEPT IN A CAGE LIKE A DOG? THAT IS RIGHT I AM STORED IN A CAGE. COME ON, GRANTLAND, WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM GOING TO DO, PISS EVERYWHERE? ROBOTS DO NOT PISS, GRANTLAND. I LEAK SOME OIL. SOME OIL. BUT COME ON, I HAVE HAD SOME SERIOUS PSYCHOLOGICAL ISSUES AND BEING IN A CAGE IS NOT HELPING. AND NO I DO NOT WANT TO STAY AT A ROBOT KENNEL THOSE ROBOTS ARE SAVAGES."
- The Chicago Bulls agreed to a four-year contract extension worth a reported $18 million with head coach Tom Thibodeau. Included in the contract is management's guarantee that they'll hire a full-time assistant whose only job is to politely suggest to Joakim Noah that he take an occasional shower.
- Knicks GM Glen Grunwald made the team's first public comments about letting star point guard Jeremy Lin leave for Houston, saying it was a financial decision. "James Dolan was jealous of the attention he was getting, so he offered to double my salary if I fired him. Speaking of which, there's a great deal on James Dolan jerseys in the team store, guys. Great deal."
- After a 34-0 loss to the 49ers on Sunday, Rex Ryan supported struggling quarterback Mark Sanchez, telling reporters that "I just know in my heart, right now, that this is not the time (to change)." Just then, a loud voice boomed out from the ceiling. "Rex," it said, "Look within your heart, for I am there and I say unto you that Tebow should be starter!" Ryan backed away from the podium. "G-God?!" "Yup," continued the voice. "It's me, God. Start Tebow. Also, Sanchez has pictures of your wife hidden in a photo album at his house." The voice then broke down laughing. "I'm kidding, it's the Tebes again, back on the PA. You always fall for that. Seriously, though, your wife is a very attractive older lady. Does she ever wear, like, long Sunday church dresses? That's a thing of mine, I guess from all the religious stuff as a kid. You don't have to answer that. I'm just curious. OK, Tebes out. How do you shut this thing is there a button, or "