In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Monday.
- Wei-Yin Chen pitched 6⅓ strong innings and Chris Davis hit a crucial two-RBI single as the Orioles evened up the ALDS at one game apiece with a 3-2 win over the Yankees. "Was this my favorite game? No," said home plate umpire Angel Hernandez, who was repeatedly forced to clean vomit off home plate after at-bats by "nervous pukers" Alex Rodriguez and Nick Swisher. "Swisher even tried to apologize, but guess what happened? If you guessed that he puked on me, f---ing bingo."
- Carlos Beltran's two home runs led the Cardinals to a 12-4 rout of the Nationals, evening up their series at one-all as the teams head back to Washington. Afterward, Nationals manager Davey Johnson gathered his coaches in his office. "Fellas," he said, "delicate question how concerned are we about Stephen's health? I mean, looking at the bigger picture, he's just one man, right? When you think about it, how many people die of starvation every day? I don't have exact figures, but you have to think it's a high number. And Stephen, well Stephen's not going to die from pitching, is he? So my concern is that we're being culturally insensitive, in a way, by showing such concern over one man's elbow. Are we ugly Americans? I hate to think of us as ugly Americans. I like to think those of us inside this room are leaders, but how can we be leaders if we're not looking at the bigger picture? Is anyone following me? This isn't about wins and losses. My god, you think I care about wins and losses? This is about setting a good example for the kids. Let's all pray over this one tonight. Let's have a good long pray, and come in tomorrow and get this guy back on the hill. Bless you, men. Bless you all. Because, in the end Edwin Jackson and Ross Detwiler. But let's not focus on that. Remember it, though, in your prayers Edwin Jackson and Ross Detwiler."
- Arian Foster ran for 152 yards and a touchdown as the Texans remained undefeated with a 23-17 win over the Jets. Throughout the game, Tim Tebow stood behind Rex Ryan on the sideline, whispering "Tebow" in an attempt to make it sound like the word was floating in on the wind.
- Jerry Sandusky will speak to the judge at his sentencing, according to lawyer Joe Amendola. "I hope it's just the first of many public speaking engagements for my client," he said, continuing his stretch as the world's most clueless lawyer.
- Kansas City Chiefs players ripped their own fans for cheering when Matt Cassel — the Chiefs quarterback — went down with a concussion in the fourth quarter of Sunday's loss to the Ravens. Chiefs fans apologized, saying they mistakenly thought Cassel was dead.
- Redskins head coach Mike Shanahan said Robert Griffin III is "doing well" after suffering a mild concussion Sunday, and will likely play this weekend against the undefeated Falcons. Shanahan went on to say that, even if Griffin still suffers from slight confusion on Sunday, they'll simply install tiny speakers in his helmet that play the phrase "RUN, YOU'RE IN DANGER!" over and over.
- Panthers head coach Ron Rivera said that Cam Newton's recent struggles are a result of his quarterback "pressing." Newton thanked his coach, but reiterated that he's not going to "lighten up" with his coach, especially if that means what he thinks it means, which is smoking opium in Rivera's "Buddha Room" and watching surrealist films for hours on end while Rivera plays a sitar.
- Oregon State sophomore quarterback Sean Mannion will miss significant time after suffering an undisclosed knee injury that will require surgery. And now, Terrence the Grantland Robot: "MY GIRLFRIEND PENNY HURT HER KNEE THE OTHER DAY. SOME LITTLE KID THREW A SCREWDRIVER AT HER BECAUSE HE WAS SCARED. AND YOU KNOW HOW IT IS WITH THESE SUBURBAN KIDS. THE PARENTS WERE ALL LIKE, JIMMY, SAY YOU ARE SORRY. AND JIMMY JUST SCREAMED AND THE PARENTS WERE TRYING TO REASON WITH HIM AND IT IS LIKE, OH MY GOD, JUST DISCIPLINE THE LITTLE BRAT. JUST SWAT HIM. BUT I GUESS BECAUSE WE ARE ROBOTS WE DO NOT FEEL PAIN AND IT IS NO BIG DEAL. RACISTS. MY QUESTION IS WHY DID THE KID HAVE A SCREWDRIVER IN THE FIRST PLACE?
- U.S. soccer coach Jurgen Klinsmann dropped Jozy Altidore from the roster for a pair of upcoming World Cup qualifiers, citing poor play in recent matches and negative incidents in training camp. "Gee, Jurgs, sorry I'm not some kind of emotionless German Ubermensch like you," Altidore said in a phone call. "Hold on a minute RON, STOP WITH THE SITAR FOR LIKE ONE F---ING SECOND! I'm talking here. Jesus. Sorry, Jurgs "