In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Thursday.
- Andrew Luck threw for 227 yards and ran for two touchdowns as the Colts beat the Jaguars 27-10 for their fourth straight win. Based on the strange waddling run of at least two players on the Jaguars defense, along with embarrassed tears and the telltale stains, it was clear that the infamous "accident epidemic" is still alive and well in Jacksonville.
- EJ Manuel hit Rashad Greene for the go-ahead touchdown pass with 40 seconds left, and no. 10 Florida State held on to beat Virginia Tech 28-22. After the game, at the midfield handshake, Frank Beamer and Jimbo Fisher found themselves unable to resist a spontaneous do-si-do.
- Both sides of the NHL labor war broke their media silence on Thursday, though it's still unclear if any progress has been made in negotiations. That's because when they met with reporters, they insisted on spending the entire half-hour singing a group parody of the Jets vs. Sharks song from West Side Story that they'd been working on during the meetings.
- Kobe Bryant laughed when reporters showed him a video of his "death stare" from Wednesday night's game, and said it doesn't reflect his attitude toward head coach Mike Brown. In the background, Dwight Howard pretended to be folding his uniform while he whistled "The Imperial March." "Dwight, seriously, cut it out!" Bryant yelled. "What?!" said Howard. "Stop folding my clothes? Is that what you want? You're crazy, Kobe! Too funny!" He then broke out in a charismatic grin, gritted his teeth, and hissed, "Brown down" before resuming his folding.
- Jamal Crawford scored 25 points off the bench in a 103-90 Clippers win over the Trail Blazers. And now, Terrence the Grantland Robot: "I THOUGHT ALL POINTS WERE SCORED OFF THE BENCH. IT WOULD BE HARD TO SCORE THEM ON THE BENCH, AM I RIGHT? HEY GANG, IT'S ME, TERRENCE THE ELECTION WINNER. JUST BEEN HANGING OUT FOR A COUPLE DAYS, OILING UP AND CHILLAXING. I DO NOT WANT TO GET INTO TOO MANY DETAILS, BUT REMEMBER MY 'PROBLEM' FROM A COUPLE DAYS AGO? WELL, OLE T IS OFF THE PERFORMANCE ANXIETY WAGON. IN A BIG WAY. NOTHING GETS THE LADES GOING LIKE A WON ELECTION AND PENNY AND I HAVE BEEN WELL, YOU GET MY DRIFT. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. SEX. I HAD SEX. TWICE."
- Lions tackle Ndamukong Suh was voted the league's dirtiest player for the second straight year in a survey of NFL players. "I told you!" Suh screamed, holding a bar of soap in the Lions locker room and staring around wildly. "It's the stench!" Some of his teammates attempted to explain, but Suh was already writhing on the ground, scrubbing himself as he tore his clothes off. "I can't get rid of the stench!"
- USC head coach Lane Kiffin told reporters that the manager who deflated footballs during the team's loss to Oregon acted alone.
- Kevin Durant scored 10 of his 24 points in the fourth quarter as the Thunder pulled away from the Bulls for a 97-91 win. Now it's time for the abandoned joke of the week! This week's abandoned joke is something about a Joakimono. I don't know. Fuck you.
- Mets GM Sandy Alderson says he would like to keep pitcher R.A. Dickey, but that a trade is still possible. "Movement swift in becoming to ancient derelict fulfillment rests calmly up beneath my horrible love," said Dickey, using his patented "KnuckleSpeak" language. "A renegade tangent the mending polish have to nights thee granted one spectacle for the blatant curious youth. We frankly depend the Gray Menendez."
SCENE: Earlier that day, locker room. Lane Kiffin sits down with the manager. A stern assistant coach is in the background, holding a football and staring.
Lane Kiffin: Look, we appreciate you carrying out our little errand. But somebody has to take the fall for this. You see what it's like. It's getting too loud out there.
Manager: But I didn't want to do it in the first—
Lane Kiffin: NONE US WANTED THIS! YOU THINK ANYONE WANTED THIS?! Listen to me, kid, you've got a bright future. You take the hit for this, and I promise you it'll be the start of a brilliant career. I'll make sure everyone knows you're a man who can get in line and be a team player. Loyalty, son. That's what people value in this business. When this dies down, you'll be the man who didn't betray his coach and his team. We won't forget. This one decision makes you a hero in this world. You understand?
Manager: I yeah. Yeah, I get it.
Lane Kiffin: Atta boy. Now get out of here. And listen to me, you just made the best choice of your life. I mean that.
The student exits, and Lane Kiffin's smile slowly fades as he raises his gaze to meet the assistant. Without a word, Kiffin slowly draws one finger across his throat. The assistant nods, gravely, and takes out a cell phone to place a call.