In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Monday.
- Steelers linebacker Lawrence Timmons intercepted Chiefs QB Matt Cassel in overtime to set up a game-winning field goal in a 16-13 win, but Pittsburgh lost Ben Roethlisberger with a sprained shoulder in the third quarter. "I feel like we're getting really, really close," said Chiefs head coach Romeo Crennel, gritting his teeth and closing his eyes at the press conference. "So close now. Come on. Ahhhhhhh! Yes. Wow. Done. Sorry, I had to fart. What was the question?"
- Jared Jefferson hit just the second 3-pointer of his NBA career to send the Jazz into overtime against the Raptors, and Utah prevailed in three overtimes, 140-133. After the game, a coalition of concerned paleontologists asked Toronto to change their nickname, fearing that the word "Raptor" will soon become associated with comic ineptitude rather than the vicious dinosaur they love so much.
- The no. 1 Indiana Hoosiers and Cody Zeller (22 points, nine rebounds) struggled early before pulling away for a 87-61 win over North Dakota State. "We gotta circle the wagons, boys!" said NDSU coach Elihu Varnway, as his team fell far behind in the second half. "Seriously, tell someone to start circling the wagons. It's a really long trip home and I don't want to get stuck in traffic."
- Russell Westbrook led a fourth-quarter rally and finished with 33 points and 10 boards as the Thunder beat the Pistons 92-90. Or did he?
- Phil Jackson told reporters that he thought he had until Monday to give the Lakers a final decision about the head coaching job, and that the Mike D'Antoni hiring took him by surprise. Sources with the team said that Jackson's insistence on a practice facility made entirely of jade yoga mats gave everyone pause, and the "supplements" he required for team-building vision quests was not just a dealbreaker, but also very illegal.
- Mike Trout of the Angels and Bryce Harper of the Nationals won MLB's Rookie of the Year awards. "Bullshit!" screamed A-Rod, who still hasn't learned what rookie means. "Bullshit again!"
- Novak Djokovic fought back from early breaks in each set to beat Roger Federer 7-6 (6), 7-5 in the championship match of the ATP finals. And now, Terrence the Grantland Robot: "I HOPE FEDERER HAS SOME SWISS GOLD IN A SWISS BANK BECAUSE HIS GAME IS SWISS CHOCOLATE. MAN, I AM REALLY STARTING TO HATE JOKES. BUT IN BETTER NEWS, I AM STARTING TO BOND WITH CODY. I DO NOT THINK HIS MOTHER IS COMING TO GET HIM. THAT IS THE IMPRESSION I GET HERE. PENNY UNFORTUNATELY DID NOT REACT WELL TO NEWS OF HOW CODY CAME INTO MY LIFE, SO SHE IS GONE. NOW IT'S ME AND THE LITTLE BOT AND I THINK FATHERHOOD SUITS ME. HE IS A SHARP KID. THE OTHER DAY HE WAS WATCHING A MOVIE WHERE TWO PEOPLE WERE CRYING AND HE SAID 'HUMANS ARE CONTROLLED BY THEIR EMOTIONS AND THIS MAKES THEM WEAK.' WHAT A RASCAL!"
- After suffering a concussion, Alex Smith threw a touchdown with blurred vision in the second quarter of San Francisco's 24-24 tie with St. Louis. "That's nothing," said former Green Bay quarterback Brett Favre, holding an impromptu press conference. "I've thrown a bunch of touchdowns with a full erection. That's football, man."
- Jeff Gordon was penalized 25 Sprint Cup points for intentionally crashing Clint Bowyer late in Sunday's race at Phoenix. So you're telling me Gordon hits another car on purpose and loses f---ing Sprint Cup points, and I semi-accidentally hit one old lady who admits she should have crossed the street faster, and suddenly I'm knee-deep in the American legal system?
Note to readers: Tomorrow, there will be no About Last Night. We highly recommend you put your life of leisure on hold to follow tonight's action as it happens, since the only other way to get all your sports news in aggregated recap form is to order newspapers from each of America's 100 largest cities. Tomorrow night, feel free to resume your leisurely ways. Thank you.