In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Monday.
- Cam Newton threw for 302 yards and accounted for four touchdowns as the Panthers topped the Eagles 30-22 in Monday Night Football. After the game, fired Auburn coach Gene Chizik greeted Newton in the parking lot with a sarcastic slow clap. "Well, look at Mr. Big Shot," he said with a sneer, before toppling to the ground and bruising his ribs on an empty vodka bottle.
- Deron Williams scored 16 points and dished out 14 assists to lead the Brooklyn Nets to a 96-89 win over the Knicks in the first meeting between the crosstown foes. "You'll not beat us next time, ye filthy trolley-dodging cads!" screamed a 104-year-old Knicks fan in the upper deck as the final buzzer sounded.
- With 16 points, 12 boards, and 12 blocks, Jeff Withey posted the second triple-double in Kansas history in a 70-57 victory over San Jose State. In my book, it was actually a quadruple-double, but the bastards at the NCAA refuse to count "moments of sexual tension with Elijah Johnson" as a stat.
- Kevin Durant and Russell Westbrook powered the Thunder to the NBA's largest halftime lead (64-24) since 1991 on the way to thrashing the Bobcats 114-69. In an attempt to influence the media narrative of the game, Bobcats coach Mike Dunlap used the phrase "furious comeback" 187 times in his postgame press conference.
- NHL owners and the players' union agreed to meet with a mediator in an attempt to help end the lockout. Unfortunately, the only "mediator" who agreed to take on the job was fired Auburn coach Gene Chizik. And the dude is in really bad shape.
- Greivis Vasquez finished with 25 points and 10 assists in a 105-98 Hornets win over the Clippers. And now, Terrence the Grantland Robot: "GREIVIS VASQUEZ IS TO 'COOL' WHAT MITT ROMNEY IS TO 'COOL.' TOPICAL. OK, QUICK UPDATE TODAY BECAUSE I'M BUSY MAKING MY NEW ROBOT LIFE PARTNER CALLIOPE BIRDSONG. THE GREAT NEWS IS THAT I PICKED UP A SWEET ROTARY-POWERED OIL TURBINE WITH A BEVELED STEAM BELT FROM THE LOCAL LANDFILL. I CAN'T BELIEVE PEOPLE THROW THIS STUFF OUT! IT'S A LITTLE RUSTY BUT ON A LIMITED BUDGET IT'LL DO THE TRICK. PLUS YOU CAN GIVE IT A GOOD SCRAPE AND RUB IT DOWN WITH SHINE-ALL IF RUST TURNS YOU OFF. WHICH FOR MOST PEOPLE AND ROBOTS IT DOES. OR AT LEAST IT WOULD IF THEY EVER THOUGHT ABOUT IT. HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT ABOUT YOUR EROTIC REACTION TO RED IRON OXIDE? THESE ARE THE KINDS OF THINGS THAT CROSS MY MIND NOW THAT I'M EXCITED ABOUT A PROJECT. ANYWAY, CALLIOPE BIRDSONG IS REALLY GONNA HUM ONCE I GET THIS BABY WORKING. CAN'T WAIT."
- The NFL announced that Lions linebacker Ndamukong Suh will not be suspended for kicking Texans quarterback Matt Schaub in the groin. In a radio appearance, Schaub said that he wouldn't want Suh on his team because he's "not Houston-Texan worthy," and was immediately suspended eight games for "malicious verbal abuse."
- After Alabama coach Nick Saban complained that Florida would vault ahead of the loser of this weekend's SEC championship game, Gators coach Will Muschamp said he'd gladly switch places. Football experts expect Saban to receive Muschamp's quote with his customary good humor and modest self-deprecation. "Now that I think about it, I should be grateful for a shot at the title," he'll probably say with a chuckle. "Ole Will really made me eat my words this time!"
- After a Heisman-worthy season in which he broke Cam Newton's SEC record for total yards, Texas A&M quarterback Johnny Manziel spoke with the media for the first time, calling his season "surreal." "I'll tell you what's surreal," said fired Auburn coach Gene Chizik, staggering down the streets of Charlotte with a newspaper early this morning. Unfortunately, he passed out near a duck pond before finishing the thought.