In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Tuesday:
- LeBron James posted a triple-double, but Jordan Crawford (22 points) and the lowly Wizards somehow upset the Heat 105-101 for their second win of the season. After this loss, and a near-loss to a Spurs team playing without their three stars, sources report that the Heat are likely to face a starting lineup composed of Rasheed Wallace and four obese men named "Joey from Bayside" when they play the Knicks on Thursday.
- Wisconsin's Bret Bielema will be the next head coach at Arkansas, agreeing to a deal worth a reported $3.2 million annually over six years. Sources indicate that Bielema insisted on keeping his longtime offensive coordinator — a two-sided die where "1" means "run straight into the line" and "2" means "punt."
- Gus Malzahn, who I'm pretty sure is the weird chicken guy from Breaking Bad, will replace Gene Chizik as the head coach of Auburn. Chizik is best known for a cameo appearance on The Golden Girls, where he slept with the horny one.
- Yahoo! Sports reported that the New Orleans Hornets will change their name to the New Orleans Pelicans, perhaps as early as next season. "Yo, isn't a pelican where babies come from?" asked Anthony Davis, who is very young. "Babies come from storks, idiot," said Austin Rivers, who is slightly older. "The truth is, either one of you could be right we may never know," said Roger Mason Jr., a virgin at age 32.
- Bears linebacker Brian Urlacher told a Chicago TV station that he may miss the rest of the regular season with a hamstring injury. Viewers reported that it was the most depressing episode of Cookin' with the Chi-Town Stars! since that time Mike Ditka announced his divorce while preparing a teriyaki sauce.
- Kevin Durant scored 32 points, grabbed five boards, and dished out six assists to lead the Thunder to their sixth straight win, 117-111 over the Nets. "Brooklyn sucks!" said Knicks point guard Joey from Bayside, in a controversial tweet.
- After a rough start to the season, no. 25 NC State registered a key win, beating UConn 69-65 in the Jimmy V Classic. "Finally, my motivational pregame speech reached the hearts of these young men!" said State coach Mark Gottfried, in a motivational postgame speech. Later, in a motivational plane-ride-home speech, he loudly extolled the virtues of "getting some rest."
- There were no NHL games last night.
- Kobe Bryant told reporters that he loves struggling center Pau Gasol "like a brother," but the good vibes didn't prevent the Lakers from blowing a 13-point fourth quarter lead in a 107-105 loss to the Rockets. It also didn't stop Dwight Howard from reading Sacred Hoops: Spiritual Lessons of a Hardwood Warrior out loud whenever Mike D'Antoni walked by.