In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Monday
- Mariano Rivera now has the most saves of any closer in MLB history. Rivera collected his 602nd regular season save in a 6-4 win over the Twins, passing Trevor Hoffman on the all-time list. "The save is a way of life for me," said Rivera, who has previously saved a man's life, saved his newspaper clippings, saved the date, saved a soul, saved face, saved three dollars with a coupon for cake mix, saved his skin, saved his breath, and watched every episode of "Saved By the Bell." Twice.
- The New York Giants benefited from several blunders by the St. Louis Rams to post a 28-16 win in Monday Night Football. Among St. Louis' costly mistakes were a muffed punt, a lost fumble, a bad pass interference penalty, and failing to disband the franchise after years and years of losing.
- Ian Kennedy pitched eight scoreless innings to earn his 20th win of the year as the Diamondbacks topped the Pirates 1-0. Great for Kennedy, but wasn't it kind of rude to beat the Pirates on International Talk Like Pirate Day? And if that wasn't bad enough, Kennedy gave his post-game interview as a snooty British sea captain and had Pirates manager Clint Hurdle arrested for high treason.
- The university presidents at Texas and Oklahoma have been granted authorization to apply to the Pac-12. When the announcement was made, Oklahoma president David Boren immediately wrote an admissions essay about the value of hard work, asked his favorite English teacher to write him a recommendation, and desperately searched his memory for anything he'd done that could be spun as "volunteering."
- In other Oklahoma news, head coach Bob Stoops received a seven-year, $34.5 million extension on the heels of his team's win at Florida St. The exploratory committee at the school was reportedly impressed with Stoops' detailed long-term plan, in which he outlined exactly which important BCS bowl games he'd be losing between now and 2018.
- Sources are reporting that the Big East and Big 12 are considering a merger after losing several teams to other major conferences. In related news, two huge nerds in a school cafeteria ate lunch together despite having nothing but their loneliness in common.
- After losing the first game of a doubleheader to the Orioles, the Red Sox took the second in an 18-9 blowout. Jacoby Ellsbury hit an inside-the-park home run in the second game to lead the charge, keeping the Red Sox two games ahead of the Rays in the wild-card race. It all led to this post-game dialogue:
- Ellsbury: This crazy card race is sure living up to its name.
Pedroia: Wild card.
Ellsbury: The wild and crazy card.
Pedroia: Just wild card.
Ellsbury: Are you sure?
Ellsbury: Well, you have to admit, it's the wildest crazy card of them all.
Pedroia: I hate you.
- The struggling Braves lost again, 6-5 to the Marlins, after Chipper Jones lost a high grounder in the football lights with two outs in the ninth and opened the door for Omar Infante's walk-off home run. Jones blamed the football-first structure of Sun Life Stadium for his error, and noted that if they wanted to be consistent, Infante should have been flagged for excessive celebration.
- In a radio interview on Monday, boxing broadcaster Larry Merchant theorized that his verbal spat with Floyd Mayweather after Saturday's bout was escalated by the booing fans. Mayweather told Merchant he should be fired by HBO, and Merchant responded by saying that he wished he was 50 years younger so he could kick Mayweather's ass. Then Winston Churchill strolled over with a whisky and soda and said, "sir, if you were 50 years younger, I'd thrash you with a bamboo shoot!" to great gales of laughter.
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