In case you were busy devising an elaborate fake game show so you could injure otherwise forgotten celebrities, here's what you missed in sports last weekend:
- LeBron James flirted with, but fell two assists shy of, a triple-double as his Miami Heat throttled the Milwaukee Bucks, 110-87, to begin their NBA title defense. "Yeah, I saw her across the court," James said of the triple-double. "And you know I was interested, so I said, 'What's up,' bought her a vodka soda, asked the triple-double about her interests. Stuff like that. I mean, there was some chemistry. We had some stuff in common: She's associated with three statistics; I have three MVPs. Stuff like that, you know? But some nights it's not about the triple-double. You aren't generous enough to get her, and that's OK. You learn from that. Triple-doubles aren't objects. Triple-doubles are unique snowflakes, and sometimes, they aren't yours to possess. I mean, we aren't all Oscar Robertson. He once said he had 10,000 triple-doubles. That number's probably too high, but we all know the guy was a player."
- The San Antonio Spurs took care of business with a 91-79 win over the Los Angeles Lakers on Sunday. The Spurs overcame the Lakers' perceived advantage inside, which exists because people forget how good Tim Duncan is. "Dwight should be dominating this game. What's going on?" asked self-described medium-core NBA fan Paul Witten of Dallas. "Wait, Tim Duncan's PER was over 24? That's like, really good, yeah? Does everyone know that Tim Duncan is still Tim Duncan? Oh, man, this is what I get for tuning out the regular season when the Mavs went in the tank."
- Carmelo Anthony had 36 points as the New York Knicks pulled away from the Boston Celtics late to win, 85-78, at Madison Square Garden. Boston's bench went 0-for-7 from the field in the game, which head coach Doc Rivers said was "almost enough for me to use Shavlik Randolph in a close playoff game in 2013." Rivers then shook his head, sighed deeply, shrugged, and said, "Almost."
- Andre Miller scored a late layup to cap a 28-point night and give the Denver Nuggets a 97-95 win over the Golden State Warriors. Miller credited his rejuvenated play to, "Oh, my back. Oh, my god, everything hurts." Miller then launched into a loose approximation of a Louis C.K. bit about getting old, before lying down flat on his back and letting out an audible sigh and mumbling, "That's better. Oh, man, I'm getting too old for this."
- The Darrelle Revis saga has ended with a trade, as the star Jets cornerback was sent to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers for a package including a first-round pick in the upcoming NFL draft. "Perfect," said Jets general manager John Idzik. "Now we have holes at every position. Now no one gets to feel bad about themselves for being shown up, OK, guys." But quarterbacks Tim Tebow and Mark Sanchez were too busy fighting over a Nintendo 3DS to answer their general manager.
- After the Red Sox won in their emotional return to Fenway Park Saturday, the Kansas City Royals bounced back to sweep a Sunday doubleheader and take the weekend series. "We're a classic heel, so we're used to it, you know, like the Washington Generals," said Royals designated hitter Billy Butler, who hit a game-tying homer in the second game of the doubleheader. "That's what a heel is, right?"
- Liverpool snagged a late equalizer to draw Chelsea, 2-2, hurting the London side's chances for Champions League qualification. The match was marred when Liverpool striker Luis Suarez bit Chelsea defender Branislav Ivanovic; this was the second time in Suarez's career that he's bitten an opponent in an on-field encounter. This is notable because he has twice bitten a man while playing soccer out of blinding rage. Also interesting in this case is the fact that Suarez has bitten a man during a professional soccer match twice. Two times, he has walked up to another man on a soccer pitch and bit him. In a globally televised match. Not once. But twice. Two times. Two bites. Take one moment of biting, then double it. I can't even
- Novak Djokovic opened the clay court season with a surprise 6-2, 7-6 (1) win over Rafa Nadal at the Monte Carlo Masters. Nadal, who had won the last eight straight titles at the event, said afterward, "I'm ruined! It kept coming up Rafa so I kept putting it all on Rafa. My uncle Toni said, 'Rafa, not all on Rafa,' but did I listen? No! Now I have nothing! All of my hard work for naught. Curse you, croupiers of Monte Carlo! Curse you!"
- The New York Rangers enjoyed the pleasure of eliminating the New Jersey Devils from playoff contention with a 4-1 win at Madison Square Garden. "No, it provides us with no pleasure," said Rangers winger Ryan Callahan after the game, before adding piously, "for the Devil can never be truly extinguished in any of us." Callahan then roughly grabbed teammate Brad Richards's forehead, tilted it back, and began yelling, "The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you!" until the two were separated by Rangers head coach and honorary chaplain Father John Tortorella.