In case you were busy mixing up Davy Crockett with Daniel Boone, much to your own embarrassment and chagrin, here's what you missed in sports on Tuesday:
- The Golden State Warriors, powered by Stephen Curry's 30 points, beat the Denver Nuggets, 131-117, to even up their first-round playoff series at a game apiece. Curry, who fought through a twisted ankle in the third quarter, said after the game, "Of course I overcame a twisted ankle. I'm Steph Curry. A twisted ankle to me is just an ankle. A sprained ankle for me feels like a twisted ankle for you. I need to have my entire foot removed from my shin at this point to be fazed by my ankle."
- Despite a night that many would say was quiet by his standards, LeBron James and the Miami Heat used a strong fourth quarter to dispatch the Milwaukee Bucks, 98-86. "Sometimes you have to be subtle, understated," James said after the game. "You can't just score 40 every night; you have to treat each game like it's a snowflake. Sometimes you have to be gentle with it. Let it know you care, that you see its unique qualities. And then some snowflakes you drop 60 on because that's what that snowflake wants. Tonight wasn't about that. Tonight was about the velvet touch."
- The New York Knicks' defense shone again as they held the Boston Celtics to 23 second-half points in an 87-71 win at Madison Square Garden. It was the second straight poor second half for the Celtics, which veteran forward Paul Pierce attributed to head coach Doc Rivers's halftime adjustments. "He keeps saying he has prescriptions for success," said Pierce, "like he just realized his name made it seem like he was a medical doctor. But it gets worse; I think he got some books or something because he keeps referencing specific obscure ailments. I'm not sure if they're metaphors or actual plans of action. Frankly, I don't think anyone does."
- The first-ever top-flight college football playoff, which will go into effect in 2014, has a name: College Football Playoff. It also has an official venue: College Football Playoff Official Venue. It also has an official date: College Football Playoff Date. Unfortunately, the implementation of this date will require the total abandonment of the current months of the Gregorian calendar by American society. August will be known as "Tostitos Presents August," September will be "The AT&T Month of September," October and November will be combined into "Mountain Dew: The Month: The Flavor: The Xperience." Naturally, December and January will be combined into "College Football Playoff." Sadly, unless a sponsor can be found, February through July will be eliminated altogether.
- B.J. and Justin Upton hit back-to-back home runs as the Atlanta Braves throttled the Colorado Rockies, 10-2, at Coors Field. While many know that "B.J." stands for "Bossman Junior," an homage to the Uptons' father, who was known as Bossman, fewer people know that Justin's name is an acronym, which stands for Juilliard Undergraduate Starring Tonight in No-No Nanette, an homage to the theatrical aspirations that the Uptons' mother had for her youngest son.
- Bayern Munich stunned Spanish titans Barcelona with a 4-0 win in the first leg of their Champions League semifinal. The Bavarians also announced the signing of Borussia Dortmund star midfielder Mario Gotze. Though the Germans say they're done making moves for the moment, expect them to make a move for Polish striker Robert Lewandowski, before picking up Ajax midfielder Christian Eriksen, before sweeping into Paris to take center back Thiago Silva. Then the Germans will make move after move in an attempt to simultaneously acquire Wayne Rooney from Manchester United and Alan Dzagoev from CSKA Moscow in pursuit of a perpetual footballing dynasty capable of ruling UEFA for a millennium. Splitting their energy will deplete their resources, as will their persistence in acquiring Russian targets during a frosty negotiating period. Eventually, the Bavarians will be forced to capitulate, with their supporters losing control of the club to an American owner who will impart valuable business lessons to the team while robbing the soul of the club in the process.
- Despite a 4-3 shootout loss to Carolina, the New York Islanders qualified for the playoffs for the first time since 2007. "I remember 2007 well," said Islanders captain Mark Streit after the game. "I was up in Montreal, and things were crazy. We'd go out every night like we had nothing to lose. I drove across country with my best friends, wrote some poetry, spent some time with a mystic up in Saskatchewan, really learned a lot about life. We were all young once. Now, though, we're just men doing a job. What happened to our youth? We blinked it away like so many tears." With a wistful smile, Streit then chuckled and added, "I guess I still do have a poet's heart."
- The Oakland A's beat the Boston Red Sox, 13-0, in a rain-shortened affair at Fenway Park. The game featured the major league debut of knuckleballer Steven Wright, who deadpanned after the game, "I was so disappointed in my first game being a blowout loss that I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying." The 57-year-old then added some pithy observations about the absurdity of modern life, before saying, "Thank you very much, that's my time," and getting sent back down to the Triple A Pawtucket Chuckle Hut.