In case you were busy doing hilarious takes to a nonexistent camera when your friends and associates said absurd things, here's what you missed in sports on Thursday:
- In a conclusion to a magnificently contested series that makes me wish to wax poetic, the San Antonio Spurs overcame a poor shooting night from their backcourt to oust the Golden State Warriors from the NBA playoffs with a 94-82 Game 6 win. Despite its premature end, twas a series in which all of the participants were worthy of the title warrior, even those generals who bestrode the sideline battling with their wits rather than their bodies. Sing oh muses of the ankle of Steph Curry, son of Dell, which brought countless ills first to his enemies, and then to himself! Such was the sovereign doom of a cursed team, and the will of Stern writ large: There shall be contested yet between famed warriors The Bron and Timothy Who Dunks a Finals that shall split the world in twine!
- In a non-conclusion to an adequately contested series that makes me wish to speak plainly, the Knicks kept their hopes of an Eastern Conference finals showdown with Miami alive, beating a depleted Pacers team, 85-75, at Madison Square Garden. "Just taking it one day at a time," said Knicks coach Mike Woodson after the game, "because if we do more than that we'll become aware that the winner of this series gets the Heat and oh, no that's terrible! The winner of this series gets the Heat! Oh no, they have LeBron James and Dwyane Wade. Oh man, they also have Chris Bosh. Why did I stop taking it one day at a time? Why?"
- The Los Angeles Kings mounted an electric third-period rally, scoring two goals in the final two minutes to beat the San Jose Sharks, 4-3, and take a 2-0 series lead. The game shall heretofore be dubbed the "Scheider Shot," as the odds of the Kings winning were comparable to the odds of Roy Scheider successfully feeding a great white shark an oxygen tank, and then shooting it with a rifle from a sinking boat. Note that this game is the "Scheider Shot," not the "Martin Brody Shot," as it refers to the odds that the actor himself could have pulled off the maneuver, rather than the fictional sheriff that he portrayed in Jaws.
- Brad Marchand scored his first goal of the postseason in overtime as the Boston Bruins opened their series against the Rangers with a 3-2 win. The game was the first playoff meeting for the two teams in 40 years, meaning that the rivalry between the two teams and the cities they represent is tepid. Expect the rest of the series to transpire with a cordial tone, no fighting, and lots of friendly post-checking apologies, as these guys just don't care about this series.
- Nick Saban has said that he is "terribly disappointed" in Florida assistant coach Tim Davis, who called Saban "the devil himself" at a booster club meeting. When told that phrasing is suspiciously similar to the phrasing the devil himself would use, Saban went on to say, "Of course, my good man. I am, after all, Lucifer himself; I simply would prefer that we not speak of it in such a flip manner."
- Andy Pettitte suffered a back injury and was forced to leave his start early as the New York Yankees fell again to the Seattle Mariners, 3-2. He will be replaced in the rotation by an adorable golden retriever puppy named Bubba as the Yankees organization is bereft of any more full-functioning human pitchers, and general manager Brian Cashman locked himself in a closet and listened to the Smiths' "The Queen Is Dead" on repeat after he heard of Pettitte's injury, rendering him unable to sign a replacement off the free-agent market.
- Keegan Bradley opened the Byron Nelson Championship with a 10-under 60 to take a three-stroke lead after the first round. Bradley, who bogeyed two holes in the middle of the round that kept him from carding a record-setting 58, chalked his failure up to "choking, massive massive choking. Hands-around-the-throat meltdown. I mean, 60? Shameful choke job on my part."
- Former England captain David Beckham announced he will retire from soccer at the conclusion of this season. Beckham leaves behind a legacy as one of the great all-time benders of things, joining the ranks of Futurama’s Bender, Hunter S. Thompson's experience in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, and the arc of the moral universe in relation to justice.