In case you were out protesting your local movie theater for continuing to show After Earth, here's what you missed in sports on Monday:
- The Miami Heat played their best game of the Eastern Conference finals when the stakes were the highest, closing out Game 7 with a 99-76 win over the Indiana Pacers behind another exceptional performance from LeBron James and a resurgent Dwyane Wade. "What about me?" said a distant voice from the nether reaches of the Heat locker room after the game. "The Big Three we were to be, and yet there are but two I see." When no one acknowledged the voice squeaking off in the periphery, it grew louder. "Remember me? Ol' Chrissy B? So sad am I to feel and see, that I've been forgot, been left behind, I'm all for naught, you're so unkind." But despite his growing voice, no one noticed the sad, lanky man in the corner in the midst of jubilant celebrations, no one except Shane Battier, who registered a DNP-CD in Game 7, who told Chris Bosh to stop using slant rhyme if he wanted to be noticed.
- Brad Marchand had two goals as the Boston Bruins destroyed a lackluster Pittsburgh Penguins team, 6-1, to go up 2-0 in the Eastern Conference finals. What appeared on paper to be a relatively even series is turning into a massive mismatch with the Bruins outscoring Pittsburgh 9-1 through two games in a display that can only be described as the sort of savage thrashing that an actual bruin would deliver to a flock of actual penguins, with the bruin eating nine penguins before succumbing to the cold, and dying tragically on the glaciers of Antarctica, far from her home, her bear husband, and her cubs.
- Top prospect Yasiel Puig had two hits and a game-ending pick-off throw from right field in the Los Angeles Dodgers' 2-1 win over the San Diego Padres. "Oh, this is going to be one of those Matt Kemp years," said injured Dodgers outfielder Matt Kemp from his Fortress of Brooding. "I should have known when I went to my Fortress of Brooding, instead of my Fortress of Excellence. Isn't that right, Yasiel?" But even though the mannequin wearing a Dodgers hat that Kemp was talking to didn't respond, Kemp still yelled back, "It is too a fortress! They're both fortresses. They aren't a beach house and a condo downtown. What do you know? You've only played one big league game."
- The Houston Astros finished off their sweep of the Los Angeles Angels with a 2-1 win as Erik Bedard fired seven innings of one-run ball. "It feels good to be winning big games. It's like I'm back in '06," Bedard said after the game, "except now the Astros are in the AL. And phones are basically tiny computers now. And Senator Obama is President Obama? This is nothing like '06 at all! What is happening to me?" Bedard then fell to his knees, and shouted, "You fools! You foolish fools!" before injuring his shoulder gesturing wildly at the sky.
- Cardinals catcher Yadier Molina is facing a one-game suspension after making contact with umpire Mike Everitt. Everitt explained after the game, "First-base umpire Clint Fagan made the call, and Molina got close to him, and Fagan was all like, 'Step back you're getting kinda close. I feel a little poke coming through on you,' and so I go to step between them, because you don't want a poke coming through on anybody, and Yadier, to his credit was all like, 'Baby, us getting so close, ain't a good idea,' but then I stepped in and he was all like, 'When we're fighting, I get so excited, oh how I like it,' which was weird, so I told him to back off, and he was all like, 'I try but I can't fight it.' So I told him he was this close to getting suspended, and he was all like, 'Oh, you're dancing real close,' and I told him 'You're making it hard for me,' and he started laughing, and everything came to a head."
- Yankees owner Hal Steinbrenner said that he was "disappointed" with Alex Rodriguez's performance since signing his 10-year, $252 million contract following the 2007 season. Which is totally reasonable, because how could you expect anything less than consistent play from a baseball player when you sign them until they are 42 years old. The list of great 42-year-old third basemen is as follows:
- The Chicago White Sox lost their seventh straight game as Raul Ibanez's 10th home run powered the Seattle Mariners to a 4-2 win at Safeco Field. After the game, both teams looked at each other, and said, "Well, at least we don't have that guy on our team. That guy is a real disappointment. Their whole team is a disappointment, sure, but that guy. That one right there. Whooo doggy. Bark bark woof." Then the White Sox all looked over at Adam Dunn, and acknowledged, that, "Yeah, I guess we would rather have that guy. But man, tough call. Tough, tough call."
- Rafael Nadal and Novak Djokovic both advanced to the French Open quarterfinals, joining fellow top seeds Roger Federer and David Ferrer in the final eight. Djokovic's win was not without drama, however, as he broke a racket during a challenging first set, which he dropped en route to a 4-6, 6-3, 6-4, 6-4 win over Philipp Kohlschreiber. "I'm sorry, I just get so mad when I face opponents who continue to support the Austrian violation of Serbian sovereignty after the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand. It's like I am a keg full of some sort of exploding dust, and I am ready to explode." When asked about Djokovic's comments, Kohlschreiber responded with a shrug, "Well, perhaps if he's so peeved, perhaps Serbians shouldn't have assassinated an innocent archduke."