We live every day in near-sobbing relief that social media didn’t really get big on even a campus-wide scale until we were almost out of college. Would you like to read about the time we got ourselves and a dozen underclassmen in our charge sent to Judicial Services for putting shaving cream and glitter on the testicles of the Europa & the Bull statue? Because we would’ve shrieked about that injustice via whatever means we had available to us — to say nothing of the time our tap teacher sent us back to change for wearing a tie-dyed Spider-Man T-shirt to a performance* ... or the time our film professor flunked us in a critique because we said a classmate’s 10-minute close-up of his blinking eye watching CNN was not a “profound meditation on the human condition.”
You want to talk parking tickets? Our roommate almost didn’t graduate because of a FIVE-FIGURE BILL she owed to university parking services for parking in the staff lot every day, because she thought separate faculty parking facilities were class warfare.
• An entire offensive line robbing the Federal Reserve wearing rubber masks depicting the faces of their team’s position coaches.
• A star fullback breeding illegal pythons in his dorm room.
• That fullback’s team’s facilities manager taking bribes to allow underground snake-versus-scholarship-athlete cage matches in the stadium under cover of darkness.
• Jim Delaney sending pre-spoiled packages of pumpkin chocolate chip brownies to SEC headquarters.
• Voluntary offseason workouts that in actuality are unlicensed strip mining operations.
• Ralphie the Buffalo driving on a suspended license.
For these, we will get worked up. For now, we beseech you: Unclutch them pearls, and remember how headstrong and goofy and impulsive we all were at 20, and how little we have changed in the intervening years.
*That’s right. We took tap. We had been tap dancing since the fourth grade and took an intermediate class as a college student for the easy phys. ed. credit. We were a tap RINGER. We did our final routine to Method Man. See? Isn’t it great that no video of that exists anywhere? #BLESSED