In case you were out filibustering an impending breakup, here's what you missed in sports on Tuesday.
- UCLA won its first national championship in baseball, defeating Mississippi State, 8-0, to sweep the best-of-three series. "Eat your heart out John Wooden, you pompous old owl!" shouted Bruins coach John Savage in the postgame celebration. After he realized the severity of his words, he tried to convince reporters that he'd said "Doc Gooden." When reached for comment, Gooden was thrilled that the caller wasn't an angry probation officer.
- Yankee legend Ichiro Suzuki hit a walk-off solo shot to give the Bronx Bombers a 4-3 win over the Rangers. I don't have a joke here, guys. The spectacle of Ichiro rounding those bases in pinstripes, the pride of New York in the twilight of his career, is too poignant to spoil with humor. Because that's how we'll always remember him, you know? As a Yankee.
- In other Yankee news, general manager Brian Cashman told reporters that A-Rod should "just shut the f--- up" after the rehabbing third baseman tweeted a progress report that conflicted with a statement Cashman made earlier. When reporters tracked down A-Rod for a response, he was kneeling on a sidewalk, suggestively licking the reflection of his earlobe on the window of a parked car.
- A Massachusetts judge has has sealed documents related to the homicide investigation involving Aaron Hernandez. "Just like the Rams sealed their Super Bowl walkthrough," whispered Bill Belichick, grinning to himself as he tiptoed through the courthouse storage vaults at 3 a.m. wearing a black catsuit.
- The Los Angeles Clippers finalized the deal that will bring Doc Rivers on board as head coach. "I'm very excited to be starting a new phase of my career," Rivers said. "And the only downside is that I have to coach in the same city haunted by the memory of that pompous old owl John Wooden."
- Chris Sale struck out 13 and Alexei Ramirez delivered a walk-off single as the White Sox beat the Mets, 5-4. In happier news, the Mets announced that Friday, June 28, will be "Doc Gooden Probation Officer Day," where the first 1,000 fans who have been probation officers assigned to Gooden will receive a free Mets lanyard.
- According to a report, the USGA forced Casey Martin off his golf cart while the disabled former golfer — now the head coach at Oregon — was following the action at a U.S. Junior Amateur qualifier. "This is going to be great PR for us!" gushed USGA bigwig Minkus McFuckelwink. "We follow the letter of the law regardless of common sense, decency, or humanity! Rules, rules, rules!" He was then toasted enthusiastically by fellow USGA higher-ups Brenda Dumbkiss, Lincoln Frumphead Johnson-Patch, Craig Bensonbutt, Donna Puke, Sucky "Sucky" Douglas, Lyla Appledouche, Furman Blindclot, Josephina Amadeus Retch, and Aiden P. Asshole IV.
- For the first time, Utah Jazz CEO Greg Miller told reporters that he pleaded with Jerry Sloan not to quit in 2011 after a tiff with point guard Deron Williams, but that Sloan could not be convinced and just kept repeating that he was "out of gas." "I offered him all the gas his car could hold," said Miller, who doesn't understand idioms. "Free gas for a year! A guaranteed gas clause in his contract! But nothing. The man just looked at me, stubborn as a mule. I think Deron Williams had been siphoning his gas, to be honest."
- Former Cubs pitcher Kerry Wood reportedly found a dead body floating in Chicago's Belmont Harbor while paddle boarding on Monday morning. When reached for comment, Wood emphasized that he would very much appreciate it if the reporter could leave out the part about him paddle boarding.