"Right now, Tuesday, Tuesday, Tuesday, just before my owners come into town, having brought in the labor relations committee and Billy [Hunter] having brought in his executive committee, it's time to make the deal," NBA commissioner David Stern said last week. "If we don't make it on Tuesday, my gut is that we won't be playing on Christmas Day."
- Kim Kardashian: Unnamed sources report that Kim is concerned Kris Humphries might “be using her for her money — especially since he’s not working right now with the NBA lockout." Perhaps more damningly, "He tries to have creative input in Kourtney & Kim Take New York. It’s her show, and he tries to dominate it."
- The Harlem Globetrotters: They had the whole "barnstorming basketball team" market cornered, and now every other day it’s Rajon Rondo throwing a silly alley-oop and All-Star games with final scores of like 284-279.
- The shootaround: Hey, shootaround. You turned 40 and nobody noticed. Where will Monta Ellis rain in trick shots now?
- President Barack Obama: The “heartbroken” president now has to turn his attention away from the economy and his reelection campaigns toward a much more pressing matter: helping some rich Italian hire Kobe Bryant.
- Actual college students: It was bad enough when Perry Jones III, Harrison Barnes, Jared Sullinger and Terrence Jones all should have declared for the draft and been lottery picks. Now this insidious trend of unnecessary overeducation is spreading into the professional ranks. Luc Richard Mbah a Moute, Trevor Ariza, Baron Davis, Russell Westbrook, Anthony Randolph, Steph Curry, and, I guess, Ed O’Bannon, have returned to college to pursue their degrees.
- NFL quarterbacks with low self-esteem: I don’t think Tim Tebow and Tony Romo really needed the encouragement. But thanks anyway, guys.
- Matt Winick: Apparently he is one humorless dude. Matt “I don’t consider any complaint funny” Winick makes the NBA’s schedule. Normally that’s hard enough, having to deal with arenas’ scheduling conflicts in order to match up 82 games with 30 teams. But this year, he’s had to work overtime, devising 74-, 70-, 60-, and 50-game schedules. On the other hand, enough people have lost wages due to the lockout, so he really shouldn’t complain.
- Adidas: It stands to lose $50 million, or as I call it, a Horace Grant.
- Shaun Livingston: Unlike higher-profile players, who have entertained multimillion-dollar contract offers to play overseas, Shaun Livingston’s backup plan is to play for the Central Illinois Drive.
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