In case you were busy infiltrating a high school drug ring by posing as a kid only to immediately be outed as the 63-year-old man that you are, here's what you missed in sports on Tuesday:
- Mariano Rivera was named the All-Star Game's Most Valuable Player as the American League outpitched its National League brethren, throwing a combined three-hit shutout in the junior circuit's 3-0 win. You know that we here at About Last Night like to engage with debate, so let me ask you this, did Mariano Rivera really deserve this award? Absolutely not. I thought this was baseball. Where numbers reign. Here's a number: three. That's how many batters Rivera faced. Um, you call that value? Hello? Who's that? Chris Sale? Who recorded six outs? Is six twice as many as three? No debate there. People wanted a feel-good moment? I'm sorry, I didn't know that the All-Star Game was the Oscars, and we were all of a sudden giving out lifetime achievement awards to people who named names to Joseph McCarthy. No commies here. If you want to feel good, stay away from the All-Star Game, because feelings don't count. And All-Star Games do. You want a valuable player? Give me a Joe Nathan who actually took time out of his busy schedule to get some strikeouts. Give me a Brett Cecil, who threw three pitches, all strikes, to get a K. You want nonsensical feel-goodery? You can take your Mariano Rivera and stick it up your Sandman, because you're dreaming buddy. You're dreaming.
- The news was not all good for the American League as Yankees second baseman Robinson Cano was forced to leave the game after being hit in the knee by NL starter Matt Harvey. "Sure he did," said Brian Cashman, as his phone buzzed with text message updates. Cashman had refused to watch the spectacle, and instead was playing a game in his office where he tried to spin himself around three times in his chair with a single push. But his phone kept buzzing. "This is impossible. It can't be. You gotta turn on the TV, Bri-Bri. No! You mustn't. If you don't see it, it didn't happen." Cashman then threw his phone into his saltwater aquarium, before spinning himself around in his chair again, this time completing two and a half revolutions. "Drats! So close," Cashman yelled, before relenting and turning on his TV to, in his words, "see that gnome try to take over for my beautiful Robbie."
- Brek Shea scored a late winner as the U.S. squeaked out a 1-0 win over Costa Rica in the final match of Gold Cup group stage play. The United States has now won eight consecutive matches for the first time in history, unless of course you count history itself as a match, in which case the United States has won 237 consecutive matches! [Puts hands up, and waits for high five.] [None comes.] [Remembers all the dark moments in American history.] [Slowly puts hand back down.] But yeah, eight in a row, we've got a pretty good soccer team right now.
- South Carolina defensive lineman Jadeveon Clowney said at SEC media day that the conference's quarterbacks are "scared" to face him. The comment however was no boast; Clowney's painted-on smile could not hide the sadness in his eyes. Just because a 256-pound man who runs a 4.46 40-yard dash is running at you doesn't mean that he doesn't want to be your friend. How much hurt must live inside of Clowney's heart, every day seeing fear in the eyes of the men whom he wishes he could find a moment of true connection. But instead they cower and crumple under his attempt to hug them, to connect with them, to say with his body, "I'm here with you, on this little blue marble, and everything is going to be OK because we're in this together, buddy." Clowney's sad story is as old as time, and my heart goes out to the nation's best pass rusher; hopefully he'll get to stop rushing one of these days.
- Sharpshooter Mike Miller was released by the Miami Heat under the league's amnesty provision as the team tries to avoid massive luxury-tax payments while keeping together its championship core. The move also clears room for the Heat to add Greg Oden, which has been called "literally the best news I've ever heard" by Miami Big and Tall Man owner/tailor Sergio LeVergne.
- Paris Saint-Germain signed Uruguayan striker Edinson Cavani away from Italian side Napoli after putting in a staggering €64 million bid for the forward. "PSG is one of the biggest clubs in the world," Cavani said of the move, "and Paris itself is wonderful, except, um, how can I say this? I'm quite put off by the cigarette smoke. And the horrific existentialism. I generally believe that man is good, God is good, all of that. No one seems to cotton much to that line of thinking. And also, seriously, Gauloises are poison. What are these people doing to themselves?"