In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Thursday.
- The Rangers rallied for two runs in the ninth, scoring both on sacrifice flies, to even the World Series at one game apiece with a 2-1 win over the Cardinals. My only question is this: Why do you have to win like cowards, Texas?
- Little more than a week after firing head coach Mike Stoops, the Arizona Wildcats earned their first conference win of the year, blowing out UCLA 48-12. The game was so successful that Arizona athletics director Greg Byrne now plans to fire Mike Stoops every Thursday as a motivation technique.
- Three days of negotiations with a federal mediator produced no deal in the NBA labor dispute, and no further talks are planned. The two sides could not reach an agreement on the structure of the salary-cap system and the division of revenue. Also, Ron Artest won't back down on wanting to triple the size of the hoop so he can shoot more 3-point hook shots.
- Rex Ryan told reporters that he regrets taking a jab at Chargers coach Norv Turner and his lack of Super Bowl rings. "It's all on me. I'm guilty. Absolutely," Ryan said. "It was unintentional." Oddly enough, that was the same exact quote he used when asked about his 340-pound body weight in 2009.
- The World Boxing Council has overturned a referee's ruling that Bernard Hopkins was knocked out by Chad Dawson last Saturday, declaring the match a technical draw since no punch was landed. Dawson lifted Hopkins by the leg and slammed him down on the canvas, where Hopkins suffered an injury to his left shoulder that kept him from continuing the fight. My only question is this: Why do you have to win like an insane person, Chad Dawson?
- Sources have confirmed that three suspended LSU players, including defensive standout Tyrann Mathieu and tailback Spencer Ware, tested positive for synthetic marijuana earlier this month. Though he expressed disappointment in his players, coach Les Miles also praised them for showing the maturity and responsibility to avoid using wild, nonsynthetic marijuana.
- UConn women's basketball coach, Geno Auriemma, said that the Big East's realignment woes are due to Notre Dame's unwillingness to join the conference in football. Notre Dame football, on the other hand, puts the blame squarely on Rebecca Lobo.
- Michigan State defensive end William Gholston has been suspended by the Big Ten for Saturday's game against Wisconsin after throwing a punch at a Michigan offensive lineman last weekend. In further bad news, the World Boxing Council announced that since the lineman didn't fall over, the fight will be scored a technical draw.
- David Ortiz has indicated that he'd like to return to the Red Sox next season despite this year's collapse. Still, he said that to deal with unrealistic fan expectations and a ravenous Boston media, he's "definitely going to need some good marijuana. And not that watered-down synthetic LSU bullshit, either."
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