In case you were busy getting so jacked for football that you passed out at 1:30, here's what you missed in sports last night:
- Peyton Manning was at his best, throwing for an NFL record-tying seven touchdowns in the Broncos' 49-27 win over the Baltimore Ravens. "Yeah, but who has the biggest yacht?" asked monocle-and–top hat–wearing Ravens quarterback Joe Flacco, who signed an NFL-record $120.6 million contract in the offseason, while snacking out of a bucket of caviar. Flacco then blinked, allowing his monocle to fall to the ground, where it shattered. "Aww, crap, that was my dress monocle," whined Flacco, while bending over, which caused the top hat on his head to fall into a puddle of mud. "Gadzooks, my top hat," exclaimed Flacco before confessing, "guys, I don't even like caviar. And my yacht's hardly even a yacht. It's really just a big boat. Money isn't everything; why didn't anyone tell me?"
- Stanislas Wawrinka dominated a woeful Andy Murray in a surprising 6-4, 6-3, 6-2 straight-set win over the tournament's reigning champion. A disheveled Murray, whose second serve was occasionally topping out at only 75 mph, asked after the match, "Does this mean I didn't win Wimbledon?" When told that of course it didn't, Murray smiled broadly, and added, "I thought not," before cranking up Van Halen's "Panama" on an old Sony boom box.
- After the New York Yankees overturned a five-run deficit, the Boston Red Sox countered by getting the tying run off Mariano Rivera and the winning run off Joba Chamberlain, taking the first of a four-game series at Yankee Stadium, 9-8, in 10 innings. "Remember when they offered me the world for Joba?" a visibly intoxicated Yankees general manager Brian Cashman asked a grapefruit after the game. "Eh, we all make mistakes. At least I'm still in a playoff race. Kind of. What the hell are you? You're not so great. I mean, what the hell, buddy? You're not even a fucking orange." Cashman later was reportedly seen covered in citrus rinds, crying in the Yankees locker room about how "Spring Training" was his only friend.
- The Bryan brothers' pursuit of a calendar-year Grand Slam in men's doubles was ended by 40-year-old Leander Paes and Radek Stepanek, who beat them 3-6, 6-3, 6-4 in the U.S. Open semifinals. "So much for your twin telepathy, bitches," Paes yelled after the match, drawing the attention of the Bryans, who looked at each other and then looked at Paes, who immediately collapsed to the ground in agony. "Ahh, my eyes," screamed Paes from the ground. "It feels like fire daggers in my eyes, bitches."
- A back-and-forth 13-inning affair in Kansas City ended with a Mike Moustakas walk-off home run as the Royals beat the Seattle Mariners, 7-6. "Man," said Mariners first baseman Justin Smoak as he watched the Royals celebrate their win, "what I wouldn't give to be on the Royals." As he finished speaking, time stopped and a small winged fairy named Yuni appeared as if from nowhere, and said in a high-pitched voice, "Oh, you wish you were on the Royals, you say? Well, I can make it so. Just throw me a baseball, and your wish shall be my command." So Smoak tried to throw Yuni a baseball, but one after another kept getting past Yuni on the left. Eventually, no longer deeming any of this worth it, Smoak asked Yuni to please just restart time.
- Jets head coach Rex Ryan gave rookie quarterback Geno Smith a vote of confidence on the eve of their home opener saying, "This is his offense now." When told of his head coach's comments, Smith's eyes widened as he said, "No. No no no no no. No. Just. No. He can't do that to me. No. No no no. I won't allow it. I — I — son of a bitch. That crafty son of a bitch. Well it won't work. You guys won't judge me based on how this year goes, right? Right? Right?"
- The SURG Restaurant Group has severed ties with suspended Brewers slugger Ryan Braun, and will be rebranding its Ryan Braun's Graffito and 8-Twelve MVP Bar & Grill restaurants. This is disappointing news for everyone who thinks that the names Graffito, 8-Twelve, and SURG are names that say "good times and great tastes," and not "stuff I don't want on my restaurant," "weird times to eat," and "the sound I make when I have acid reflux."
- The Oakland A's got knocked out of first place in the AL West, falling to the Houston Astros, 3-2, at home. "This is summer camp all over again," said A's third baseman Josh Donaldson. "See, I went to the rich and popular camp, Camp Golden Cat, and we had an annual baseball camp with the poor unpopular camp from across the river, Camp Stupid Bird. Every year we had won for as long as anyone could remember, and I was sure we'd win again. I only became more sure when they rolled up in their broken-down bus, and half of their team was girls! Can you imagine? But through a combination of spunk, pluck, trickery, and poisoning our team's watercooler, they somehow squeaked out a 14-13 extra-inning win, and then their fat catcher named Horse Moose kissed my girlfriend and now they're married. Anyway, that's what losing to the Astros feels like."