In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports last weekend.
- Derek Holland gave up just two hits in 8 1/3 innings as the Texas Rangers evened up the World Series at two games apiece with a 4-0 win over the Cardinals. It's tempting to call his performance an "opus," but it's not worth dealing with the angry phone calls and letters from Richard Dreyfuss.
- And lo, though the Broncos did trail mightily with but five and twenty-three on the clock, Tebow said unto his ten apostles, "faith," and he did lead two touchdown drives and the 15 points was like cool water poured into parched mouths. All did partake anon. And fear was in the eyes of the philistine Dolphins, who looked on the Tebow with awe and said, "truly, this is the Tebow." And in the overtime Tebow was good, and unto the scribes he said, "Ye cannot lose confidence in thyself, or ye have lost already."
- Plaxico Burress caught just four passes, but three of them were for second-half touchdowns as the Jets beat the Chargers 27-21. But because the fourth catch wasn't for a touchdown, draconian NYC mayor Michael Bloomberg sentenced Burress to six months in prison.
- Aaron Rodgers' 335 yards and three touchdowns kept the Green Bay Packers undefeated with a 33-27 win over the Vikings. I apologize in advance for the following sentence, but it's mandated by my contract and my hands are tied: BRETT FAVRE BRETT FAVRE BRETT FAVRE BRETT FAVRE.
- The Atlanta Falcons were upset after the Lions' Ndamukong Suh and Cliff Avril taunted Matt Ryan after what appeared to be a serious leg injury. "Get the cart," yelled Suh, while Avril kicked his legs. Ryan would return, and the Falcons would win 23-16, and it would gradually become clear over the course of the game that Suh was referring to the ice cream cart, which he called for to no avail after every play.
- In college football, Michigan State upset Wisconsin 37-31 with a heave from Kirk Cousins to Keith Nichol on the final play. While the Spartans were dialing up the Hail Mary, Wisconsin head coach Bret Bielema called an unfortunate prayer play of his own — the rare "Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep" defense.
- Texas Tech jumped out to a 31-7 lead and held on to beat Oklahoma 41-38 in Norman. The Sooners' furious fourth-quarter rally fell just short, but after the huge deficit, many of the team's fans had already left for their covered wagons.
- Despite missing three key players after they tested positive for marijuana, No. 1 LSU remained undefeated with an emphatic 45-10 win over Auburn. "That is the mark of a great team," head coach Les Miles said, in reference to the Tigers' ability to overcome repeated off-the-field distractions. "Granted, it's also the mark of a team full of a------s, but that's just semantics."
- Kevin Durant recorded a triple-double with 42 points, 26 rebounds, and 11 assists in a 176-171 overtime exhibition win over a team featuring Chris Paul and Carmelo Anthony. Defensive stats were not available for this game.
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