In case you were busy being quietly content with Greg Schiano, here's what you missed in sports on Tuesday:
- The Texas Rangers broke a seven-game skid and reasserted themselves in the AL wild-card race with a 7-1 win over the Tampa Bay Rays. When asked how snapping the losing streak felt, Rangers second baseman Ian Kinsler shrugged and said, "Eh, not so great. Really, I thought it would be better, but at this point in the year, all these games are pretty much the same." When asked if he hoped the momentum from this game would carry the team into the playoffs, Kinsler replied, "Nope," before catching himself and adding, "Which isn't to say I don't want to make the playoffs; I just don't care either way. If we make them, great. If not, meh."
- Red Sox closer Koji Uehara's streak of retiring 37 consecutive hitters was snapped as he took the loss in the Baltimore Orioles' 3-2 victory over Boston. Uehara was in good spirits despite the rare loss, saying after the game, "Tomorrow is another day for me to start a streak." Then, after a brief pause, the 38-year-old Uehara frowned and added, "Actually, man, that streak was really hard. Really, really hard. I doubt that I can start another one like that at my age. Is the best of me in the past?" Uehara let his mind cast back to his youth, when he was a top student, when he first picked up a baseball as a child. Then forward to the pride he felt getting into the Osaka University of Health and Sport Sciences. "Was that almost 20 years ago?" he mumbled to himself as he let his mind cast forward to his streak of 15 consecutive wins in 1999 as a Yomiuri Giant, when he won the Rookie of the Year and Eiji Sawamura Awards. Then his two Japan Series titles in 2000 and 2002. "Over a decade ago," he said out loud to no one in particular. Then his unbeaten run in international play came back to him, including his World Baseball Classic title in 2006. "I was old then now?" And now this run. What was left in that right arm of his, he thought to himself, what was left to prove? "Well, we better win the whole damn thing," Uehara exclaimed, snapping back to the present: an empty Fenway Park locker room, as he had been left alone in his reverie, a tired body worn down by decades of pitches. "Yes," he said, this time in a more reserved tone, "the whole damn thing."
- Cardinals outfielder Matt Holliday went 4-for-4, and St. Louis grabbed first place in the NL Central with an 11-4 win over the Colorado Rockies. "Today is a big one, so if you'll all gather around, I'd like to celebrate a Holliday today," Cardinals manager Mike Matheny said as he brought his team together in the locker room. "September 17, Constitution Day." Matheny then proceeded to read the entire U.S. Constitution to his team, only breaking up the reading to punctuate it with the occasional meaningful nod and thoughtful "hmm."
- Patriots wide receiver Danny Amendola has reportedly opted to avoid surgery, allowing him to return to play earlier from his hip injury. "It was an easy decision," Amendola said while visibly wincing from the pain in his hip. When asked to explain what went into the decision-making process, Amendola said, "Last night I had an incredibly vivid dream in which Tom Brady and Kenbrell Thompkins broke into my room, and Tom had a knife and started yelling, 'You go under the knife once, you go under the knife twice,' and then he threw the knife to Thompkins, who dropped it right next to my girlfriend. Scared the hell out of her. So I thought real hard about what I mean to Tom, and the team, and Tom, and decided to play through the pain." Amendola then checked over both his shoulders, and added, "To be clear, this was a dream. It was all just a dream."
- Boxing judge CJ Ross, whose controversial decisions marred the recent Mayweather-Alvarez and Bradley-Pacquiao title fights, will reportedly be stepping down indefinitely. "No!" a distraught Mayweather exclaimed when he heard the news. "I just figured out I could bet like crazy on anything she was judging! This is a disastrous carriage of justice!"
- Manchester United forward Wayne Rooney scored two goals as David Moyes won his first match managing in the Champions League, 4-2 over Bayer Leverkusen. More impressively, Moyes managed the entire match with a splitting headache, after refusing to take an Aspirin as treatment before the game out of an unfounded fear that the Bayer corporation had poisoned the supply of Aspirin for the entire Manchester region. Additionally, citing an abundance of caution, Moyes refused Advil, Tylenol, Excedrin, Motrin, Aleve, Sainsbury's generic Ibuprofen, and a nip out of former manager Sir Alex Ferguson's "pregame pain relief bottle," impressing his new squad with his toughness, paranoia, and willingness to finally give midfielder Shinji Kagawa meaningful minutes.
- Miguel Cabrera hit his first home run since August 26 and the Detroit Tigers brought their magic number down to six with a 6-2 win over the Seattle Mariners. "Man, did you see that Seahawks game? That was really something, huh?" a visibly nervous Seattle manager Eric Wedge said after the game, before falling to his knees and pleading, "Don't fire me. Tell 'em not to fire me. It's not my fault! Look at this team. Look at it with your faces, and tell me you would do better. It's not my fault! Please! I need this! Just gimme one more season and we'll be back on top I tell you. Just one more. You'll see. Just give ol' Eric one more!"
- Cristiano Ronaldo bagged a hat trick as Real Madrid throttled Turkish champions Galatasaray, 6-1, in Champions League group stage play. "Perfect night, Cristiano. Now we head back home and hit the town," Ronaldo said to himself after the game, before being interrupted by new Madrid acquisition Gareth Bale with a hearty pat on the back. "Hey, Cris, me and a couple of the chaps were thinking we'd go and hit up the Zoo Aquarium when we get to Madrid," Bale said to an annoyed Ronaldo, before adding, "Hey, did you know the zoo and aquarium are one place here? Of course you did. You're a savvy vet of Madrid. This city isn't like Manchester at all, huh? Huh, Cris? Huh?" Ronaldo then nodded absentmindedly at Bale, who made his trademark heart symbol with his hands and giddily exclaimed, "One admission for both, huh best friend? Let's go!" Ronaldo shook his head at Bale and started to say, "Actually, I have plans—" but was interrupted by Bale falling over while giddily skipping out the door.