LeBron James is a human with a cell phone so I sent him some text messages.
Me: hey, so I guess you saw that thing about Dwyane and Kevin Durant?
LeBron: what’s that now?
Me: Durant saying he’d replace Wade with Harden in a current NBA top 10.
LeBron: did you ever watch The Wire?
LeBron: The Wire. Did you ever watch it?
Me: sure, of course
LeBron: this is like when omar wanted honey nut cheerios
Me: how so
LeBron: wade is the cheerios
LeBron: harden is the cashier
LeBron: and the phoenix suns are west baltimore
Me: wtf are you even talking about
LeBron: it’s a metaphor, bro
Me: no it’s not, bro
LeBron: you’ll figure it out
Me: no I won’t. nobody will. I’m pretty sure you’re just dicking with me
LeBron: if there’s one thing I dick about, it’s metaphors
Me: yeah. Who’s this?
Unknown: Bryce. I’m with LeBron.
Me: oh hey. What’s up, man. I was actually just messaging with him.
Bryce: yeah, what happened? He’s super pissed right now
Bryce: did you say something?
Me: no. I asked him about Wade. Maybe that’s it.
Bryce: not likely. What else?
Me: dude, I mean, I don’t know. We talked about The Wire
Bryce:: oh fuck
Bryce: did he make a metaphor
Me: ha yeah
Bryce: oh no
Bryce: the metaphor didn’t make any sense did it?
Me: it did not
Bryce: did you mention that to him?
Bryce: that’s it then
Bryce: LeBron loves metaphors. He makes 'em all the time. Only thing is they never make any sense. I never know wtf he’s talking about
Me: yep, that’s exactly what happened
Bryce: if there’s one thing LeBron doesn’t dick about, it’s metaphors
Me: THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT HE SAID
Me: yeah. Who’s this.
Unknown: Darren. I’m with LeBron.
Me: What happened to Bryce?
[Three minutes go by.]
Me: THE METAPHOR!????!??!??!?
Me: OH MY GOD WHAT IS GOING ON OVER THERE
Me: METAPHOR-BASED MURDERS????
Darren: I’m in a closet. We all are. Lebron is out there. WHAT DID YOU SAY???
Me: OMG WHAT DO I DO WHAT DO I DO HOW DO I HELP
Darren: oh no I think he sees me
Me: HELLO? DARREN?
Me: DARREN!!!!???? HELLO????
LeBron: shea I know you’re there
Me: no I’m not what do you want leave me alone I know what you did
LeBron: shea, have you ever heard of a movie called Friends?
Me: that’s not a movie it’s a tv show also please don’t do this
LeBron: what we have is a classic joey/monica metaphor
Me: oh god no
LeBron: see, in this instance Darren is joey
Me: I don’t know what’s happening
LeBron: and Bryce is the monkey that ross had for a few episodes
Me: I DON’T UNDERSTAND
LeBron: Kevin Durant is when jean-claude van damme guest appeared
LeBron: and you’re me
LeBron: do you understand?
LeBron: do you get it?
LeBron: AM I BEING CLEAR ENOUGH FOR YOU THIS TIME
Me: I DO YES I DO IT’S A PERFECT METAPHOR YES GREAT I GET IT YOU’RE BETTER THAN KOBE YES I DON’T KNOW I’M SORRY YES WONDERFUL METAPHOR
Me: YES, LEBRON????
[Someone knocks at the door.]
LeBron: answer the door
Me: OH GOD NOOOOOOOOOO WHO IS IT
LeBron: it’s me, shea