In case you were busy bringing the ol' Rally Bear out of hibernation, here's what you missed in sports on Monday:
- Philip Rivers and a surprisingly effective San Diego rushing attack led the Chargers to a 19-9 win over the Indianapolis Colts. "Oh, I hope Ryan Mathews is still on waivers," said world's saddest man Gary Pittson after seeing that the perpetually inconsistent Chargers running back had his first 100-yard rushing game of the year. Pittson, who was checking his fantasy league from the cab of a tow truck after his Datsun 120Y finally gave out on him halfway home from his new job as the late-night fry cook at the Hardee's in Dover, then muttered to himself, "I knew I shouldn't have cut him after one bad game." The good news for Pittson was that Mathews was still available as a free agent in his league. The bad news for Pittson was that his cell phone was about to die, and Clem the tow truck driver had no intention of stopping his truck to let Pittson retrieve his charger. The worse news for Pittson is that in the time it would take him and Clem to reach his auto repair shop in Wilmington, where they would finally notice that the Datsun was actually on fire, world-class bassist and league commissioner Teddy Jackson would both pick up Mathews and offer him to Pittson in exchange for his first pick in next year's draft.
- Rookie Hyun-Jin Ryu threw seven scoreless innings and Yasiel Puig broke out of a slump with a huge RBI triple as the Los Angeles Dodgers closed the gap in the NLCS with a 3-0 win over the St. Louis Cardinals. "You know I'd K'd five times in a row before that triple," Puig said after the game as he hung out with his entourage at the Chateau Marmont. "That's L.A., baby," said Puig's second cousin, Terry "Tortoise" Puig. "Travolta in Pulp Fiction, Rourke in The Wrestler, NPH in Starship Troopers. This town loves a comeback." Just then, a hand reached out from the darkness and tapped Puig on the shoulder. "You boys talking comebacks?" asked a deep voice from the darkness, "because I know something about coming back." Puig turned and looked up: the distinctive red hair, the pale face, the black suit. "Holy shit, David Caruso!" exclaimed Puig. "I'm a huge fan. CSI: Miami, Jade, NYPD Blue um, CSI: Miami." Caruso smiled, nodded, and said, "I've always been a fan of the Dodgers," before putting on a pair of sunglasses and adding, "but now it seems the Dodgers are a fan of me," while walking away. "Where else does something like that happen?" asked a starstruck Puig before exclaiming, "I love this town!"
- Buffalo continued its winless start to the NHL season, losing 2-1 to the Minnesota Wild at home to fall to 0-6-1. "Well, at least the Bills signed Matt Flynn," said Michael Phillips, Buffalo native and lifelong Sabres and Bills fan. "The gods of sport once again proved their kindness to Buffalo while also being cruel." When asked what specifically about the Flynn move was kind, Phillips found himself too busy sacrificing the flappy arms of chickens as an offering to his mouth to answer.
- Red Wings reserve goalkeeper Jonas Gustavsson and Detroit held off a late Boston rally to beat the Bruins 3-2. When asked if he allowed his team to go down early to try to capture some of the city's comeback magic from the weekend, Bruins goalkeeper Tuukka Rask furrowed his brow and yelled, "Rask! Rask! Rask!" before ripping the arms off the reporter who asked the question.
- Despite resting a number of starters, the Brooklyn Nets thrashed the Philadelphia 76ers, 127-97, in preseason play. "It's always nice to do something for charity," said Nets forward Kevin Garnett after the game, "and I can't wait to see what the real 76ers have in store for us tomorrow." When told that he had just played the 76ers, Garnett's face fell before he said, "Wait, no. Mac Koshwal? Gani Lawal? Vander Blue? Those guys were all sick? Right? And we were making their NBA dreams come true? Right? I mean I only learned their names because it seemed like the kind thing to do."
- Nebraska and Oregon have scheduled a home-and-home nonconference series that will take place in 2016 and 2017. When asked if he thought his Cornhuskers could compete with Oregon by the time the 2016 season rolls around, Nebraska head coach Bo Pelini laughed and said, "Well thank god that's not my fucking problem. Off the record. Wait, am I supposed to say off the record first?" When told he was giving his remarks at a live televised press conference, Pelini said, "So, um, I was supposed to say off the record first? What are you telling me? Just don't repeat what I say here, OK? Can't afford another fucking slipup in front of our mouth-breathing garbage can of a fan base." When asked if he understood how television broadcasting works, Pelini replied, "Strange question, but I'll bite: Obviously there's a bunch of fucking tiny assholes who live in a box in my house, and they dance around and tell me stories. My favorite little fucker is tiny David Caruso. So glad he came back. Off the record."