Did you ever wonder what the dude who played The Greatest American Hero dresses up as for Halloween? Me neither. Let’s talk pigskin. Moammar Gadhafi and I had bad weeks. He lost his pulse and I lost 19,500 jermajesties (for you first time readers – Jermajesty is the REAL first name given to his son by Jermaine Jackson and a FAKE name used in this blog by me to denote a dollar value). This week –- nothing but winners. I swear to Tim Tebow’s God!
Three-team teaser: Houston Texans (+.5) over Jacksonville Jaguars; New Orleans Saints (-3.5) over St. Louis Rams; Baltimore Ravens (-3) over Arizona Cardinals
I don’t want to get in the habit of giving out three-team teasers. Mainly because over the last 20 years, I’ve lost a Steven-Tyler-swollen-lip-size bundle playing them. But this week, there are six games with spreads in the 9-14 point range. It’s time to pounce. I wouldn’t be surprised if the above teaser locked in as a winner halfway through the first quarter. There – now we’re sufficiently jinxed. 30,000 jermajesties
Buffalo Bills 10/1 to score the most points
As stated above, there are some monster mismatches this week, but 10/1 is pretty hefty for a high-powered Bills offense that’s had two weeks to prepare for Mike Shanahan’s sinking ship. Besides, do you realize what the ultra-thin Toronto air can do for a defense? Pretty sure I just made that up. 2,000 jermajesties
Baltimore Ravens over 28.5 points (-115)
I imagine after Baltimore’s meltdown on Monday night, a vast majority of the gambling public hates the Ravens. But trust me -- they’re about to make up for it. I want you to close your eyes and think back to a time – let’s say about three weeks ago – when Arizona went to Minnesota and got the bejesus jones beat out of them by the crapball Vikings. More of the same here. 15,000 jermajesties
Michael Vick under 1.5 TD passes (+130)
Do you realize how difficult it is to throw two TD passes when you’re watching most of the game from the sidelines after DeMarcus Ware knocks you into Gary Busey-delirium? Perhaps this die-hard Cowboys fan is the delirious one, but remember – we can cash this one if Michael Vick runs for five scores – so there’s always that. 10,000 jermajesties
Philip Rivers will throw an INT Monday night (-170)
Here’s what you do: This Halloween, steal all your kids trick-or-treating candy, sell it on the black market, and use the loot on this prop. Why not? Rivers has already thrown nine picks this year and the Kansas City Chiefs starting cornerbacks break as fast as any two in the league. Sit back and watch … 100 Grand bars for everyone! 15,000 jermajesties
Beware – these are totally fake ...
Chris or Shawn? Johnson with more rushing yards this week.
I see it as dead-even. The good news is Olympic gymnast, Shawn, is still available in 77 percent of ESPN’s free fantasy leagues.
Over/under 12 seconds before I began vomiting while viewing Tony Romo’s wedding video (FYI: My favorite NFL player, and the man I named my second-born after.)
On the other hand, I give my boy credit for playing the entire season with collapsed testicles.
Even odds that from now on St. Louis Cardinals manager Tony La Russa deals exclusively with Siri on his new iPhone 4S to call for bullpen help
This is why Tommy Lasorda was so great. Never used a dugout phone -- he would just scream 500 feet to the bullpen and there was never any miscommunication. La Russa may need to get a new calling plan or to tighten up his mob ties.
Over/under 11.5 days it takes before Lindsay Lohan blows through her Playboy payout
I’m going under. She did the spread so she could spread her pornographic earnings … on various chartable donations, of course.
Over/under 3.5 comprehensible words uttered by ESPN Baseball Tonight guest analyst Ozzie Guillen’s mouth this World Series
I’m going under. But to be fair I’ve only heard him speak for the entirety of five postgame wrap-ups.
Over/under 2nd base – as to how far Butt-Head would’ve gotten with Snooki in this Jimmy Kimmel Live clip if he had loaded her up with Ron-Ron Juice
Over. You laugh, but after Snooki’s drunken lesbian experience with Dora The Explorer, ANYTHING is possible.
That’s that. Enjoy Week 8
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